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  Monday 29th November 2004  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Ukraine: What every parent should know

Your cut-out-and-keep guide to the former Soviet republic
by our Cold War newsdesk

We at The Rockall Times must confess that we have been somewhat indifferent over recent days as to the unfolding "drama" in the former Soviet republic of Ukraine, which recently degenerated from a natural state of shambolia into out-and-out anarchy following last week's presidential election.

Indeed, our international desk suspected that news agencies were attempting to fill a post-Fallujah void by piling huge resources into the troubled land in the delicious anticipation of out-and-out civil war. The question, however, is this: Where the bloody hell is Ukraine anyway and who gives a tinker's cuss, eh?

Or so we thought, until a chilling dispatch from our Kiev bureau (normally one of the quieter outposts of the Rockall empire and frankly not heard from since 1992 when a local man drank three bottles of vodka and ate his neighbour's cat in a dispute over a can of corned beef) which outlined how a failure by Ukraine to align itself with the West could result in UK property prices dropping up to three per cent over two years.

Suitably sobered, we rushed immediately to the nearest search engine to bring our readers the essential facts with which to protect their homes and their kiddies' futures from the menace of Russian-aligned states. Read on:

Ukraine? Where the bloody hell is that anyway and who gives a tinker's cuss?

Go to Russia and turn right, remembering to avoid Belarus.

Trouble there too?

No, a diet based entirely on lard. Nasty.

So what's the beef?

Well, last week's presidential election saw a convincing win for pro-Russian Viktor Yanukovych. Opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko says the ballot was rigged. As we speak, freedom-loving Ukrainians are on the streets demanding satisfaction.

Yeah I saw that. What's the orange thing all about?

That's the opposition's official colour.

Didn't the cloggies already own that?

Right. The Dutch are set to complain to the Untied Nations. It could turn nasty.

But what does it matter who's president?

The West wants a pro-NATO, pro-EU set-up. Yanukovych is backed by Moscow.

But aren't we all mates now? One big happy family of raghead-busting chums?

Nah, never trust a Russkie. Look what they did to the fun-loving republic of Chechnya.

A good point. So I gather the Ukrainians aren't too keen on Russia themselves?

Never liked 'em.

Hold on a minute, it's all coming back to me. Didn't Ukraine rather ill-advisedly come down on the side of the Tsar in 1917, and then even more ill-advisedly hail the German armies as liberators in 1941?

Well, that's a little unfair. You can't condemn a whole nation because of the past actions of some of its citizens.

Sorry, you're right. That would be like slamming every Croatian because their forefathers established up a Nazi puppet government during the war and deporting all the Jews to concentration camps.

Yes it would. Croatia is a lovely country with delightful fishing villages waiting to welcome second-home-buying Brits with open arms.

And Germans, I suppose. Anyway, what do we get out of closer ties with Ukraine? I mean, what the hell do they export.

Er, hold on a minute... Got it: concentration camp guards.

Jesus H...

Wait, wait, I'm looking at the 1942 factfile. It's actually... tractor parts.

Anything else?

Birch-bark mocassins and juniper berry schnapps. And tractor parts.

I don't need any of those. Give me something I can use.

There's a roaring trade in Ukrainian mail-orders brides. Are you ugly?

So-so.

You're in luck. Even if you look like the Elephant Man, for $800 you can get a Ukrainian physics graduate who looks like Anna Kournikova, cooks like Delia Smith and shags like a porn actress in a big hurry to get an EU passport.

In which case, there's no mileage in letting them joining the EU, is there? Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen...

Don't worry, there are enough former Soviet republics to keep fat, ugly men in brides for years.

Yeah, but I don't want a slim, balletic Asiatic nymph from Kyrgyzstan. I fancy the blonde with cordon bleu culinary skills, child-bearing hips with solid contacts in the tractor spares trade. What I'm asking myself is this: is Viktor Yushchenko going to deliver the woman of my dreams or am I better off relying on Comrade Yanukovych to maintain the supply of supple and moist fillies?

You'll have to make that decision for yourself.

So what's the point of this Q&A if you're not going to tell me what's what?

The job of the media is to inform, not to suggest.

Bollocks to that. I'm off to the BBC. I hear they've relaunched the Cold War down there. Bring it on!

Previously

 Go on then, hard man