Blunkett 'not father' shocker

The world of Westminster has been rocked for the past three weeks with the saga of the top politician and his fight to obtain rights to be with his supposed offspring.

Now tests to establish whether or not the controversial home secretary David 'See no evil' Blunkett really does have paternity for a whole family of socially regressive polices are understood to have proved beyond reasonable doubt that another man is actually responsible.

Longer prison sentences, more restrictions on asylum seekers, and now compulsory ID cards to obtain any form of state benefits have been commonly thought to be "Blunkett's babies" by many political commentators.

However, extensive assessments — using technology only recently made available thanks to tabloid newspapers — on the actual detailed DNA of the plans involved indicate that although they have may have been adopted by Blunkett and he has cared for them "as if they're my very own" they are in fact the spawn of another.

After wide research The Rockall Times has discovered the man who is the real father. Despite having contributed no maintenance whatsoever for the past seven years to their upbringing he now wants "his" children back.

Confronted by reporters, the guilty party, Michael Howard, admitted that the policies were his and has demanded control over them: "At the time there were disagreements over how to bring them up and I let David have control but now biological feelings have kicked in and I want them back," thundered the UK's leading Romanian. "The government can still have visiting rights but they ought to be living with me."

However, political welfare specialists note that there is a serious impediment to either party gaining permenent custody of the infant policies — social services recently ordered them to be handed to Charles Clarke, who is said to be "an enthusiastic stepfather" and caring for the vulnerable infants "as if they were his own". Whatever the outcome of this distasteful spat, we at The Rockall Times hope that Mr Clarke has the staying power and energy to ensure that they eventually reach full political maturity to ensure that our own kiddies can live safer, more carefree lives.

Previously

• Police dismay at Blunkett mobile proposal
• Home Office to challenge basis of British law
• Blunkett screams blue murder