'Blunkett left me totally satisfied as a woman'

Breathing uncontrollable, knickers fizzy, etc etc

by James Frotbox

For the first time since sensational allegations of sexual impropriety surfaced regarding home secretary David Blindgit’s extra-cabinet affairs, the full story is only now beginning to emerge. Exclusively, The Rockall Times has been granted an interview with the object of Blunkett’s desires, the fragrant and decidedly pregnant Kimberley Quim.

Mrs Quim has finally stepped forward to dish the dirt on the whole sordid and titillating affair. She spoke of the intimate details of their acrobatic sexual antics including the wild consummation of their formerly unspoken desires.

Mrs Quinn, publisher of the mawkish and sentimental Spectator magazine which is the employer of coitus-obsessed MP Boris Johnson, talked demurely of her nights of slap'n'tickle: “David was just so very gentle, and that’s what first attracted me to him. He would pay visits to me after a hard day at the Home Office, and we’d laugh and chat over the latest confidential cabinet minutes and make amusing derogatory remarks about John Prescott. We had so much in common.”

Despite only being married three months, Mrs Quinn found herself increasingly attracted to Mr Blunkett and the inevitable eventually happened. “We decided to have a pleasant weekend in Skegness away from all the hubbub of Westminster. It wasn’t easy to find a place that took dogs, you know. As the hotel bar closed and we made our way upstairs I could feel my stomach doing cartwheels of anticipation as I cast my eyes over his manly forearms and broad shoulders.”

“Arriving in our room, my desires got the better of me, my breathing becoming uncontrollable and my knickers excessively fizzy. Sadie, his Labrador, was locked in the en suite bathroom, and I took control, leading David trembling towards the king size four-poster bed. But David wasn’t ready yet. He really wanted to make me feel special and softly started to serenade me with a raunchy version of the Marvin Gaye classic 'Let’s get it on’. It was magical and we melted in each others arms, both of us blinded by lust.”

“From then on I was putty in his hands. We made love for approximately 27 hours, and I felt totally satisfied as a woman. Time and time again I was brought to the screaming heights of multiple orgasm by his deft, remorseless plugging and as he repeatedly shot his bolt in a tsunami of ejaculatory protein I thought my head might fall off. It wasn’t all one way though, as I used all my feminine charms to please him, playing his nuts with my tongue like jungle bongo drums. Being blind, I found him so much more tactile and intimate than the 40 or so other men I’ve entertained over the years.”

Following Mr Blunkett’s troubled love tryst with the married Mrs Quinn and the subsequent visa affair, the fighting home secretary was eventually forced to resign, although a number of other job opportunities have already presented themselves, thanks to his impeccable ceredentials. The Spectator may shortly be looking to take on a new editor, there is missionary work aplenty on remote Pitcairn Island, or of course there is always the top job of Chief Executive at the Football Association.

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'Blunkett left me totally satisfied as a woman'

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