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  Monday 20th December 2004  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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David Blunkett: Statesman, father, blind bloke

Our tribute to the dear, departed home secretary
by De Management

David Blunkett:Statesman, father, blind bloke There was shock, dismay and indeed even a few tears here at the new offices of The Rockall Times at the announcement that fighting home secretary David Blunkett has thrown in the towel over what many might consider a trivial visa fast-tracking scandal.

Indeed, we believe that Mr Blunkett is the only man — with all due respect to the widely-admired Charles Clarke — capable of ensuring that our kiddies and our kiddies' kiddies will continue to gambol through flower-filled meadows as our ancestors have done for millennia without fear of swan-roasting Alabanian paedophile illegal immigrants and hook-handed, one-eyed al-Qaeda aficionados.

We need only list Blunkett's achievements during his tenure to make our case for his immediate reinstatement:

  • Compulsory ID cards: We cannot imagine a more essential tool in the fight against international terror and dole-scrounging single mothers than this simple, cheap and effective counter-measure. Spanish citizens have been carrying them for years, and there is no doubt that had they not, then the death toll from the Madrid train bombing outrages would have risen considerably higher then the modest 192 claimed by the forces of anarchy and disorder.
  • Detention without trial: The Law Lords might think that detaining terror suspects without trial is a bit rum, but we at the sharp end know better. If it's got a beard, a hook arm and a copy of the Koran, bang it up. Better still, bang it up indefinitely without trial and spend the money saved on expensive courtroom time on fast-tracking the introduction of the compulsory ID card.
  • Trial by jury: Regular readers will acknowledge with a wry smile that 98 per cent of Britain's population is simply too thick to follow a complicated trial which may run for weeks and during which they are subjected to complex legal arguments. Much better to leave it to people who know best — like judges, whose grasp of jurisprudence and modern Britain is unparalleled.
  • ASBOs: We the right-thinking citizens of Middle England are heartily sick and tired of the car-thieving offspring of unemployed pikeys rampaging round our council estates with impunity. If it's got a baseball cap, a crowbar and a copy of Cut'n'Shut Weekly, slap an ASBO on it. Better still, bang it up indefinitely without trial and spend the money saved on expensive courtroom time on fast-tracking the introduction of the compulsory ID card.
  • Immigration: Thanks entirely to the single-handed efforts of David Blunkett, the number of immigrants entering the UK to rape our benefits system fell from a 2002 high of 2,104,285 to just one Filipina nanny during 2004. This oversight was later attributed to an "administrative error".

We could go on, but consider this modest list a fitting tribute to David Blunkett: Statesman, father, blind bloke. Dave, you walked it like you talked it, albeit with a white stick and a Labrador. Rispek.

Pray silence as our contributors this week pay further tribute to David Blunkett:

The Blunkett legacy in full:

 Go on then, hard man