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Wrong kind of snow delays Rockall Times

The management of The Rockall Times wishes to unreservedly apologise for the absence for two weeks of the North Atlantic's top satire operation — an outrage caused by a combination of adverse track conditions at Theydon Bois, a nasty outbreak of Rift Valley Fever among key support staff and a rather inconvenient terrorist alert sparked by a suspected Albanian paedophile hanging around a municipal kiddies' swimming pool in Basingstoke.

All of which is, of course, a right load of old cobblers. In fact, all of the above excuses are taken from former home secretary David Blunkett's recent publication 101 reason why you need an identity card right now. It's an entertaining read, to be sure, packed full of meaty goodness and top tips as to how you can protect your children from dole-scrounging immigrant members of al-Qaeda by simple paying the government a couple of hundred quid for a bit of plastic with your name on it.

But we digress. The real reason for the delay in bringing you the latest issue of the North Atlantic's premier satire interface is that we have relocated our head office to sunnier climes. After three years of subsiding entirely on a diet of stormy petrel guano and rain-soaked copies of The Daily Mail, our bruised and battered staff decided it was time to up sticks and move to a country where pub topics of conversation encompassed more than simply the UK housing market and containersful of Slovakian pikeys intent on raping and pillaging the British benefits system.

Not that any of this matters a tinker's cuss to you, our beloved readers. Suffice it to say, we will continue to deliver top-notch content for the discerning punter. For your part, you can help us do this by flashing the plastic and acquiring one of our lovely t-shirts — our only source of income apart from the occassional tenner win on the Lotto.

And that concludes this apology/excuse/merchandising plug. Thank you.

Oh yeah, and a happy Xmas to you all.

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