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Harrison Ford to front Fallujah epic

Harrison Ford will front an all-star cast in the latest Hollwood blockbuster: No True Glory: The Battle for Fallujah, we can confidently report having just read the fact in a national newspaper. What is less widely known, however, is that Nicole Kidman will play Ford's love interest as a tearful Iraqi refugee from the devasatsted city torn between her love of Islam and the allure of Western consumer goods. Danny DeVito is also slated to appear as a wisecracking Marine sergeant who makes short work of wounded insurgents wherever he finds them. Eddie Murphy will provide the comedy element as seven really, really fat grunts making lots and lots of jokes about farting.

Consumer groups have offered counselling to a Basingstoke man who has expressed "no interest whatsoever in fighting other parents to secure a new PS2 for the kids" this Xmas. The man, thought to be in his late thirties, has decided to "buy them something else" and "spend the time and money I'll save in the pub". Social Services confirm they have opened a file on the man and will be closely monitoring the situation in case of further abuse.

In related news, shoppers are being warned that they should take advantage as soon as possible of the many sources of credit available to them to stock up for Xmas 2005. A spokesman for the Unlimited Credit Association told The Rockall Times: "We're concerned that people are not suitably prepared for Yule 2005™ and are blissfully unaware that there are only 296 shopping days in which to avail themselves of our excellent range of 'buy-now-pay-nothing-until-the-second-coming-of-Christ' 144 per cent APR deals. Likewise, mobile phone and sofa manufacturers have advised that "the right time to buy a new phone or sofa is right now", declaring: "If you haven't already got a new mobile phone or sofa for 2004, then buy two of each imediately and avoid the August 2005 pre-Xmas shoping rush while sitting on your new sofas and chatting away into your 3G picture-messaging mobile."

US secretary of state Condoleeeeza Rice is to donate several surplus vowels from her christian name to an African kiddies' charity, we are delighted to report. Ms Rice decided to make the gesture "to help those less fortunate than myself and to relieve the burden on the nation's keyboards". One visibly-grateful newspaper editor said: "Thank God for that. This will save us 11.2 man-vowel-hours per week — and that's the difference between break-even and bust in this business."

The world price of chestnuts collapsed yesterday after a bumper harvest slashed the wholesale value of this festive favourite by 93 per cent. British growers have warned of a catastrophe within the industry and are threatening to march on Westminster "if we are not suitably compensated with a new car and a big fat turkey before Christmas". A Defra spokesman said: "The cheques should be in the post by Monday". This hand-out has angered the UK's cashew-nut processors who were refused similar compensation after an outbreak of cashew blight decimated the 2003 harvest. "I'll be onto my MEP about this, make no mistake," thundered one wholesaler as he popped three small cashews into a bag and sealed it for delivery to the nut-hungry pubgoers of Britain.

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