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  Monday 20th December 2004  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Public rejoices at redefinition of rail travel paradigm

Fare increases and timetable restructuring promise golden age of commuting
by Thomas the Tank Engine

The greatest set of changes to Britain’s train services in modern history has been unveiled this week, leading to the promise of “better journeys for millions” in the “not too distant infinity”. In conjunction with this there will be other enhancements leading to “better voyages all round” boomed an employee at the much-admired Strategic Rail Authority who would only give his name as “not Dickie Bowker, definitely not him”.

The radical changes are being made due to what are described as “recent high-level modifications in the geographic patterns of travel by British rail users” as schedulers at the nation’s rail companies have realised that the number of passengers travelling to such places as Grimsby Wet Fish Docks East, Skegness Holiday Camp, and Riccarton Junction is rather less than it was when they last studied the matter back in early 1912.

To sell the change to the public the cream of railway business personnel have been despatched to all four corners of the network (bar the two corners closed for Christmas and New Year engineering works) in a ‘meet the public’ drive. “In any set of changes such as this there are always winners and losers," admitted one nervous spokesperson cowering behind the Costa Coffee bar at Paddington station in the hope that none of the thousands of enraged commuters searching for the now non-existent 17:02 to Much Snoring would notice him. “But our job is making sure the latter outnumber the former.”

Highlights of the “revolution in quality” introduced include:

  • The removal of most commuter services on the popular London to Milton Keynes route to free up capacity for vital freight traffic taking containers of Robosapiens to the local shopping centre for Christmas (commuter trains will instead be allocated to lines in the Scottish Highlands where there are far fewer services so increasing the likelihood of a decent level of punctuality).
  • Existing stopping services to be very largely replaced by express services.
  • Existing express services to be very largely replaced by stopping services.
  • The direct Gatwick Airport service from London Victoria to be removed due to “persistent overcrowding” and passengers made to use “safer and more scenic” services instead.
  • The once-weekly 06:45 from Coulsdon South to Coulsdon North (“The Coulsdon Friday Flyer”) to be re-timetabled to depart at 06:47 and call additionally at a new station to be called either Coulsdon Central or Coulsdon In The Middle.
  • There will be less trains needlessly calling at busy stations – as there are now so many people trying to board services are becoming unnecessarily slowed down – and more trains calling at isolated country halts - so the few if any there board quickly and help to speed the services up.
  • The replacement of all restaurant car facilities on GNER services with mobile energy bar vendors sponsored by National Express coaches.
  • Large price rises of all tickets in the New Year (see below) to pay for “future improvements” – although these improvements may not be much in evidence for “a while yet”.

Rail industry figures have expressed themselves “delighted” with the news. “This will mean a much better deal for travellers”, explained one sweating man at the near empty room at the Strategic Rail Authority waiting for his phone to ring with a call from Virgin head office HR department. “I’d sum it up as ‘Christmas has come early for those using the railway’”, he said. “That is to say that there will be very few trains going anywhere.”

Meanwhile, the announcement of well-above-inflation increases for train fares in the New Year has been greeted with elation by the man at the top of the industry.

"I think congratulations are in order aren't they?" said a beaming transport secretary, Alistair Darling, pausing only to crack open another bottle of Virgin Sparkling Wine (£29.99 - only available to First Class Virgin Trains passengers). "No business puts up prices unless things are going so well that their customers are prepared to pay so things must be pretty bloody marvellous on the railways these days if they can get away with rises the size of these. In fact the trains are probably so good these days that I'm considering travelling on one of them myself in the next few months if I 'm not in a particular hurry and I feel like giving my driver the day off."

Few customers appeared able to put forward a cogent argument against Darling's sentiments when The Rockall Times conducted an impromptu vox pop amongst commuters outside the busy Coulsdon North station one evening this week. "I'm speechless", said one. "I don't think you'd like to hear my comments on his views," said another. "What they're going up again!" exclaimed a third when the details of the increases were explained to her. "No, no I can't think of anything to say to that I'm afraid," she added.

Darling has explained to the press that credit for the fare increases "or the strategic revision of prices as I prefer to describe them" can be attributed to the legendary ex-head of the Strategic Rail Authority, Dickie Bowker. "Before Dickie joined the SRA the organisation was a laughing stock but look where things are now that he's left," shrieked Darling before being whisked off in a stretch limo.

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