Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

It is with a certain amount of trepidation that we at The Erotic Digest approach the festive season — and with good reason. Last year's Xmas office party resulted in two unplanned pregnancies, a nasty outbreak of STDs among the typesetting department and one, as yet unsettled, court case.

While I would be the last person to deny staff the opportunity to "let their hair down", I will admit that security for this year's beano has been considerably stiffened in the light of the previous Bacchanalian orgy of lust which quickly degenerated into an Imperial Roman-style romp. In addition to £3,000 worth of damage to photocopying equipment (more of that later), we were also favoured with a visit by Her Majesty's constabulary who seized considerable amounts of "continental" material destined for a January sixteen-page pull-out entitled "Down on the Farm". In the event, readers had to make do with a photographic essay on the sexual practices of Indonesian headhunters which in turn attracted the vociferous attention of Tory stalwart Toby Rubpubbly.

What particularly offended Rubpubbly was the revelation that pubescent male locals indulge in a sort of initiatory "circle wank" while high on the hallucinogenic extract of the sacred pudenda fruit. That these sexual nascents simultaneously perform homosexual group sex while bombed on mind-expanding drugs was too much for the Shadow arts minister, as the Hansard transcript of his diatribe proves.

But I digress. The aforementioned damage to the photocopier was caused, unsurprisingly, by excitable office girl Gemma during the obligatory drunken "arse-copying" demonstration. Not content, however, that her buttocks should be immortalised in grainy black-and-white, Gemma then thought it a grand wheeze to challenge receptionist Chloe to see which of them could produce hard evidence of their inner working for an appreciative crowd of printers' apprentices.

This childish — if impressively acrobatic — feat meant performing progressively improbable splits while making suitable adjustments to the machine's brightness and contrast settings. At around 10pm, a huge roar from the photocopier room indicated not, as other revellers suspected, the announcement that Gemma was ready to take donations for her annual charitable "Suck for a Buck" session in aid of Ugandan AIDs orphans, but rather that she had succeeded in printing off ten perfectly-exposed copies of her outer and inner labia, complete with a novel nativity scene clitoral piercing. What's more, as the very understanding doctor in A&E later explained, Gemma had furthermore teased about four centimeters of her vaginal wall onto the glass before it inevitably gave way mid-scan.

I will not bore you with the technical and surgical details, but suffice it to say the foolish young girl will not be "wrapping her box round a spam javelin for a while", as she herself lamented.

As for the rest of the evening, I'm sure readers can fill in the blanks. Sapphic editor Dierdre Bellbottom tearfully cornered any unsuspecting passer-by for a quick two-hour run-down on her relationship with her father; Pippa from adsales later had twins after a twenty-second broom cupboard dalliance with Dave from accounts; I took the usual flack from inebriated colleagues who "never liked you much anyway"; and Thor Hungstallion's Santa proved a real non-starter since offers to sit on his lap were politely declined due to his hideously empurpled member protruding from his costume like a pork gristle Yule log. They say Santa comes but once a year — not in our office he doesn't, I can tell you.

In light of this shameful debacle, next Friday's annual celebration will be an altogether more sober affair — with bottles of Evian and alcohol-free lager on tap to enforce a spirit of prohibition. And as for the photocopier, it will be guarded by two large men called Vince and Winston ably assisted by a German Shepherd named Satan who is, I am reliably informed, a black belt in Tai Kwon Do. And with that happy thought it just remains for me to wish all of you a safe, sensible and STD-free Christmas.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest

Read Rowan Raunchbitch on:

• Executive relief
• The joys of text
• The second coming of Rockall
• Fisting
• The pearl necklace
• The dirty weekend
• Shaving
• Frottage
• Bondage
• Water sports
• Tongues
• Lesbian
• Anal
• Threesomes