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  Monday 20th December 2004  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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UK Government scoops coveted international award

Rest of Europe lime green with envy
by Ian Walker

Many pundits tipped Switzerland’s law requiring all socks to carry registration plates, and some favoured the obscure Gambian code which makes people apply in writing if they plan to whistle on a Tuesday. But instead, the “Rule of the Decade” award at the prestigious International Festival of Bureaucracy went to the UK for its introduction of photographic driving licences.

José Mendez from Chile, who led the panel of 153 judges, stated in his presentation speech that the award was made because of “the sublime genius of a scheme which replaces a paper licence with a costly and awkward-to-obtain plastic licence which is of no earthly use unless accompanied by…”

“…A paper licence just like the one being replaced!” chorused the crowd of senior civil servants who had gathered in Bonn’s luxurious Teebeutelhaus. They then broke into spontaneous applause which lasted for over twelve minutes.

The award came as something of a surprise to The Rockall Times, where it has long been assumed that photographic driving licences are a way of introducing national identity cards through the back door, as they were in the Land of the Free™. However, when we contacted the Home Office — or Ministerium für Staatssicherheit, as it now prefers to be known — they confirmed that nothing could be further from the truth. “We’d hardly need to be secretive about ID cards,” said a spokesman as he patted us down before confiscating our shoes and packed lunch. “Since Olaf Bin Laden attacked the World Trade Centre and killed considerably fewer people than are killed in road accidents every single day, we’ve heard barely a squeak from the public or the Opposition whenever we’ve mentioned them. No, I know it sounds like something we’d do, but it really wasn’t. You might try asking the DVLA,” he added as he goose-stepped away to extract DNA samples from our coffee cup.

We called the DVLA but they refused to comment. However, a source within the organisation suggested that the whole thing was a ghastly mistake. “The plastic cards were supposed to be handy little ice scrapers people could carry round in their wallets,” she told us. “We were going to give them away for free when people renewed their licences, as a goodwill gesture. But by the time the idea had been through a couple of dozen committees it had changed beyond all recognition. Now we’re more unpopular than ever,” she wailed.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man