10 things all immigrants should know about the UK

We at The Rockall Times are delighted to support the government's new Britishness test for anyone unfortunate enough to have been born outside our Sceptred Isle who now wishes to permanently set up shop in the world's biggest repository of state benefits.

To promote the rigorous application of the Britishness yardstick, an advisory body has just published an essential 100-page guide — entitled A Life in the UK — which gives newcomers a fascinating insight into life in good old Blighty. More importantly, each fact digested moves the proto-citizen one step closer to that more treasured of all possessions — the compulsory ID card.

So, it is with great pleasure that we hereby reproduce ten randomly-selected extracts from A Life in the UK. Welcome to Britain!

1. Just under half of UK households own a pet — dogs and cats are most popular. A few people keep grandparents for the amusement of their children, but most prefer to home these high-maintenance creatures in "care homes" — a bit like kennels but not as well appointed.
2. Heirs to the throne are not allowed to marry anyone who is not Protestant, although extra-marital indiscretions, talking to plants and giving forth on any subject — no matter how slim one's grasp of the topic — is permitted as long as it does not unduly frighten the horses.
3. Years ago, an engagement was seen as a legal contract. Today it is not. If a person breaks off their engagement there is usually no duty even to return the ring. Likewise, marriage is nowadays something you do just to get a lovely honeymoon in the Seychelles and lots of presents, with no obligation to try and make the union last more than a couple of months. Unless, of course, you're marrying someone to get a British passport, in which case you will need to make some sort of pretence for at least two years. Sex in such cases is optional.
4. Thatched cottages are mainly the products of south, south-west and the east of England. Up North™, everyone lives in small, soot-encrusted terrace houses with outside privvies and tin baths in front of the coal fire. In Wales, people build stone structures insulated with turf to house their beasts, while they themselves sleep on the ground wrapped in sheepskins. Property prices in the UK rose 3,925 per cent between 2001 and the end of 2004. A small pile of recycled bricks formed into a cube roughly the size of a dustbin recently sold in London for £1.2m.
5. Boxing Day is so named because servants, gardeners and other tradespeople used to receive money (a Christmas box) in appreciation for work done throughout the year. Some postmen still get them, but are more likely to get a smack in the mouth for rifling the Xmas mail in search of tenners sent by adoring grandparents to their wide-eyed and expectant grandchildren.
6. Motorcyclists and passengers must wear crash helmets, but the rule does not apply to Sikhs wearing turbans. Neither are children living on sink estates bound by this rule. They also enjoy the privilege of being exempt from having either driving licence, tax or insurance before mounting their stolen scooter of choice.
7. Only the United Nations is a bigger international organisation than the Commonwealth, which houses 30 per cent of the world's population. Many Commonwealthians come from a place called "Africa" and so are likely to demonstrate a touch of the old tar brush — much like yourself.
8. Groups of friends normally buy "rounds" of drinks, where the person whose turn it is will buy drinks for all the members of the group. It is sometimes difficult to get served when pubs are busy: people do not queue, but the bar staff will usually try and serve those who have been waiting longest at the bar first. If you spill a stranger's drink by accident, it is good manners (and prudent) to offer to buy another before they smack you in the mouth. If you're of foreign extraction, it is most prudent to buy drinks for everyone in the pub and to continue to do so for around ten years or so. The locals will still despise you, but you will at least be spared the traditional greeting of "what can I get you, you dole-scrounging Albanian paedophile cun*t?"
9. Chiken Tikka Masala is the UK's favourite traditional dish, and is said to have been favoured by none other than Henry VIII who was introduced to the delicacy by Thomas Moore's wife at a Hampton Court Palace swan-roast in 1511. Britons also like low-fat oven chips, crisps, microwaveable mini pizzas washed down with lashings and lashings of delicious Sunny D. Your local supermarket operative will help you locate these nutritious delicacies.
10. The Rockall Times provides access to a huge range of local, national and international information, with a news service in just one language — English. If you need to find out more about a particular topic, it is often the best place to begin, with its major sections on Society, Sex, Politics, World News and Yeast Logic. Naturally, you'll have to learn the language first. University degrees are difficult and expensive, so we recommend a City & Guilds in Beginner's English for Cypriot Cafe Owners, which includes essential starter phrases such as "Wan tos?", "Wan bubble?" and "Wan cuppatee too shuga?"

And there you have it — pretty well everything you need to know to integrate seamlessly into British society. We look forward to your swift amalgamation into the vibrant, multi-cultural melting pot which is the modern United Kingdom. Enjoy.

Previously

• Swan kebab: The sickening truth
• Immigrants: What every parent should know
• Asylum seekers ethnically cleanse detention centre