Rockall — It's all going to kick off

It is with a certain delicious anticipation that we at The Rockall Times contemplate a forthcoming summit between the major players vying for control of the guano-rich islet of Rockall and its surrounding territorial waters.

According to the following extract from Hansard — dated 14 December 2004 — Her Imperial Majestyness Liz II's government has been in talks with Denmark, Iceland and Ireland concerning the future of the "Rockall Continental Shelf":

Mr. Simmonds: To ask the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs what progress has been made in resolving the Rockall continental shelf dispute with Denmark and Iceland.

Mr. MacShane: We continue to try and reach agreement with Iceland, Ireland, and Denmark (who represent the Faroes) about a division of the continental shelf in the Northeast Atlantic in the area known as the Hatton-Rockall Plateau. The most recent technical and legal exchange of information between the four states took place in November in London. A follow up meeting is scheduled to take place in the Faroe Islands in May 2005.

Further background info on this ongoing Atlantic punch-up can be found in our cut-out-and-keep History of Rockall. In summary, Rockall is as British as Chicken Tikka Masala and no sweater-knitting wannabe Viking, Guinness-swilling son of the Emerald Isle or elfin Icelandic chanteuse is going to say otherwise.

We are certain that the government's apparent deployment of the olive branch is nothing more than a superbly-crafted piece of political legerdemain designed to put our bitter rivals at their ease while HM armed forces withdraw from Iraq in anticipation of a swift and bloody campaign against this tripartite alliance.

So it is with complete confidence that we predict a July commencement of operations starting with Vulcan bomber strikes against Shannon airport, the sinking of a conscript-packed Icelandic cod trawler by nuclear hunter-killer submarine (more or less) within the Rockall Total Exclusion Zone and the final raising of the Union Flag over Reykjavik as a sobbing and broken Bjork is marched into captivity by cheering British Marines.

For our part, we are travelling to Rockall for the second time in June 2005 and will have some very choice words for anyone we find there not carrying a full UK ID card. Enough said.

Essential Rockall resources

• The complete history of Rockall
• The Rockall picture gallery
• Danes rattle sabre over Rockall — again
• Policy announcement: Denmark and Rockall