Football club apologises for Xmas party outrage

A team playing in one of north west Devon's most prestigious seniors' football leagues has had to issue a public apology after the traditional annual pre-Christmas knees-up for the players proceeded sedately and provided no entertaining stories whatsoever.

Gregg's Paints League of Devon officials were understood to be furious that every one of those attending the event (average age 49) were not only told to be on their best behaviour but actually managed it as well.

"I’m gutted," said chief executive Bill Owers — believed to have only missed two of Tiverton Parkway's matches in the past decade — "to think that they had the chance to let off a few fire extinguishers, chuck bread rolls at the staff, or at least stub out the odd cigar or two in someone's retina and didn't do so. This really is a case of the lads not giving 110 per cent, isn't it?"

Witnesses to the event — held at Tiverton’s finest rotisserie-style restaurant La Plage — reported seeing participants eating a well-cooked turkey dinner followed by mince pies with brandy butter while having no more than a couple of drinks apiece.

There had been speculation before the do that with relations between Barry "The Animal" Howden (a local legend as midfield enforcer) and Julio Estadio (the newly-established star striker from Costa Rica) reportedly at breaking point violence might ensure. Disappointingly things didn’t work out that way. "It's true Juilo and I don’t see eye to eye," confessed Howden later, "but there’s no need to do anything other than make one's point in a polite and courteous manner." Estadio confirmed the view, adding: "Manners maketh the man."

Indeed, distressed reporters have been unable to find anyone with a bad word to say about the team. "Quite frankly, their manners were exemplary," admitted the restaurant's owner when The Rockall Times telephoned her for comment. "I think a few of them share a couple of bottles of our best sparkling Lithuanian wine and that was about it. I’m not interested in football myself — needlepoint's more my thing — but they’re certainly welcome back any time."

Previously

• Diary of a Premiership footballer
• Gazza in Chinese booze bender shame
• Chelsea stars torch entire Vietnamese village