Dancing in the streets greets Dickie Bowker honour

There has been joyous dancing in the streets across the UK this week following the news that Dickie Bowker — the man who single-handedly set the nation’s railways on a new track while heading the Strategic Rail Authority before leaving to restore peace in the Middle East stopping only to rescue an old lady's cat from a tree — has been awarded a CBE. Besides massive personal kudos and the perpetual respect of his peers in the profession and beyond, the award entitles Bowker to be addressed by all future staff as "Gaffer" and knocks 15 per cent off all of his weekend away-day fares in the East Anglia sector of the national network — a concession exceeded only by his existing "free first-class rail travel for life" platinum card status.

Palace insiders confirm that the CBE was fast-tracked as thanks for Bowker voluntarily giving up his position early, thus saving the British rail network from certain annihilation, although last night there was some confusion over exactly what the letters CBE stood for in relation to Bowker.

Most suggestions are too libellous to be reproduced in a family publication such as this, but suffice it to say many comprosed a combination of the C-word, the B-word and an entirely new E-word expletive so offensive that a Liverpool docker is said to have fainted when he heard it. Nevertheless, there were some kind words for Bowker: one passenger jammed like a former inhabitant of the Warsaw ghetto en route to Auschwitz on a broken-down service in north Wales pointed out that if such honours should be awared to people who had achieved something then “you can say that in spades for Mr Bowker”.

To celebrate Bowker's elevation to the Great and the Good, many Train Operating Companies announced that the computer booking system which recently collapsed so stopping millions of people from buying cheap tickets would remain unfixed for several more weeks. “It’s what Dickie would want," sobbed a portly gentleman in a top hat directing traffic at Morpeth Parkway. “While he was at the SRA, Mr Bowker set a new benchmark in excellence and we intend to carry on with that tradition."

Previously

• Bowker's vow: Hot weather won't affect rail services
• Rail system 'unaffected' by Connex sacking, says Bowker
• Rail performance figures hailed as triumph for SRA