Media red-faced after Asian tsunami fiasco (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Dozens of UK newspaper editors are still missing today after the British media suffered "its worst disaster since records began" in the wake of the Asian tsunami catastrophe. Initial reports suggest that the final toll of the débâcle may reach 5,000.

The drama began to unfold just before the main course of a hearty Press Association Boxing Day lunch. Breathless operatives interrupted the serving of beef and oyster pie of olde England with chilling news of an unfolding tragedy on the paradise island of Sri Lanka in which hundreds of innocents had been swept into the ocean following a subaquatic fit of pique by the earth's crust.

Immediately rousing their troops, the massed ranks of Her Majesty's editorial corps set about committing the breaking news to print — but sadly without reference to the facts at hand. "Hundreds perish in tidal wave tragedy" roared one headline; "1,000 feared dead in Asian earthquake shocker" thundered another. And by the time these "War Declared" headlines had hit the newsstands, it was already too late.

"I just don't know how we could have got it so wrong," admitted one visibly-shaken tabloid sub. "It was pretty obvious from the off that we were talking enough bodies laid head-to-toe to stretch from Barcelona to Dakar. I suppose the knock-on effect of a particularly robust Xmas Day spread had taken its toll. There was complete failure right through the news chain to adhere to the human tragedy protocol. I don't think we'll ever recover, to be honest," he concluded with a gentle sob.

The said protocol is the Zeebrugge Accord on Casualty Hysteria (ZACH) — an internationally-recognised system by which the reported number of casualties of any given disaster is multiplied by a figure based on the day's advertising circulation requirements and splashed across the front page in the biggest font available. In no case should this ever be less than three times greater than the most reliable casualty figures: so, if 250 souls are feared to have perished in a particularly nasty chemical plant explosion, the media is legally entitled to raise this to at least 750, and can legitimately bump this up to a staggering 1,500 in subsequent editions. The real death toll is later printed a week later on page 17 without any form of explanation or apology.

However, in the case of Sri Lanka, Indonesia and Thailand, the quoted figure fell woefully short of the eventual death toll. Newspapers which might have reasonably been expected to breathlessly announce the disappearence of 500,000 people managed at best 20,000 — just 15 per cent of the real tally.

"Heads will roll, make no mistake," intoned one media pundit absentmindedly thumbing through an impressive 37-page photo spread of the carnage thoughtfully provided by one Sunday broadsheet.

Media red-faced after Asian tsunami fiasco

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