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  Monday 10th January 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Bob Geldolf fires tsunamic broadside

Staggering tirade of invective from saintly aid vet
by James Frotbox

It was on Boxing Day, late last year, when the world first learnt of the unfolding tragedy engulfing the Asia-Pacific region. Families across all god-fearing nations were only just beginning to recover from the excesses of the previous day, consuming unwanted turkey sandwiches and breathing a sigh of relief that another festive season had passed visiting the loathed in-laws. Barely had a sprout-flavoured fart escaped from the collective clenched buttocks of the British populace, than the yuletide peace was shattered by news of a terrible tsunami — known as a “big wave” to Sun readers.

Since these awful events, the nation has been locked in an entirely justifiable never-ending cycle of shared misery and sadness, raising record amounts in charitable aid as a result. Suspicions remain that much more could have been raised had the BBC pulled their fingers out and fronted the appeal with Terry Wogan, accompanied by the Met office weathermen providing a leather-clad homo-erotic song-and-dance skit to boost the effort.

Despite the biblical-scale disaster, The Rockall Times has learnt that there has been unqualified condemnation of the entire fundraising effort from none other than saintly aid-pundit and hobo-attired diddecoi Sir Bob Geldof.

Geldof: Invective In a staggering tirade of invective, Sir Bob told questioning reporters outside his caravan that the tsunami débâcle was threatening to derail his efforts to aid Africa: “I’m fu*cking furious, to be sure. I mean fer fu*ck's sake, I’ve only just released Band Aid 20. That took bloody hours to organise, and I spent literally minutes on the phone begging today’s finest pop talent to take part. Only Leo Sayer declined — he said ‘Nah, fu*ck ‘em’, the fuc*ker."

It was clear that Geldof was brimming with barely-suppressed rage, as he continued: “I’ve dedicated 20 years of my life to those fu*ckers in Ethiopia and it’s all been swept away by some poxy high-tide in the Pacific. I can’t get a record deal anymore, so what will I do? Ah well, at least I’ve got my looks.”

His was not the only voice of dissent, however. Despite public mutterings to the contrary, US supremo George “Dubya” Bush and his sidekick Ronald “Little Donny” Dumsfeld are preparing to go public on their latest policy initiative. Keen to keep the momentum focused on their recent triumphs in the fight against global terror, Bush will brand the tsunami an “instrument of terror” and lay the blame firmly at al-Qaeda’s door.

Asked how the American administration knew that Bin Laden’s bad boys were behind the seismic surge, Rumsfeld replied: “Well, there’s known knowns and knowns that we don’t know, although we might know these knowns. But then again, we might not." Dubya was able to clarify his Defense Secretary’s comments, adding: “Hehe, this is fun, ain’t it?”

Nevertheless, despite its detractors, the aid effort continues apace, with a huge humanitarian aid effort delivering vital items such as clothes, cash, food and shovels. Charitable agencies have been bowled over by the generosity of the British people, although the Disasters Emergency Committee has called a halt on further donations of clothes. A spokesman stated: “What we need now is cash donations, no more clothes please. Sir Elton John has kindly given up some unwanted items from his wardrobe and these should adequately cloth the entire region for around ten years, despite some items being excessively worn in the gusset.”

Leo Sayer was unavailable for comment this morning.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man