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Tamil fury at Kofi Annan travel ban

Tamil Tigers commanders in Sri Lanka have expressed their dismay that UN supremo Kofi Annan was prevented from visiting rebel-held areas of the devastated island when he visited the sun-kissed paradise last week. The Tigers' leadership warned that the government's travel ban on Annan would have two serious consequences: to prejudice the ongoing peace process; and to prevent vital supplies reaching Tamils whose very survival now depends on a lifeline from the outside world.

The most pressing requirements in the tsunami-wrecked villages around Sri Lanka's ocean-lashed coastline are for clean drinking water, food, shelter, and above all, a clear picture of exactly what is happening between Hollywood golden couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Tamil Tigers' political big cheese, SP Thamilselvan, told The Rockall Times: "We've seen one Red Cross helicopter in a week and all they could bring us was three crates of strawberry-flavoured Sunny D and the vaguest of rumours that Brad and Jenny were about to split. The people here are besides themselves with worry. How could this have happened? Is it true that Brad wanted children but Jenny was opposed? How can we survive this catastrophe?"

Thamilselvan asserted that his people believed the only man who could clarify the situation was Annan himself. "We demand that Annan come here in person and see for himself the terrible suffering provoked by a lack of solid facts in the matter of the Pitt-Aniston union," he thundered while absentmindedly kicking small pieces of furniture and dead bodies floating around his feet. "We will not go back to the negotiating table unless the facts are presented to us by the UN secretary general himself," he added, before wading off to to dislodge with the barrel of his AK47 a particularly tasteful coffee table stuck in a tree .

In the interests of the Sri Lankan peace process, we are able to confirm that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have indeed split after a seven-year marriage, but that they remain "committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another". Aniston is reportedly consoling herself with a $100,000 haircut in her emerald-encrusted, solid-gold Hollywood hills pad, while Pitt is drowning his sorrows with Ocean's Twelve co-star Catherine Zeta Jones in a local pub in Aberystwyth. One eyewitness reported: "He looked a bit down in the mouth when he first came in, but after six pints of Old Wifebeater and a quick arm wrestle with our Cathy in the snug, he was back to his old, wisecracking self."

We hasten to add that there is no suggestion of a romantic link between Pitt and the highly-talented Welsh actress, who is happily married to super-rich heartthrob Michael Zeta-Douglas-Jones.

Previously

• Relief floods into disaster-raped island
• Catherine Zeta Jones on casting couch for penury
• Chief UN weapons inspector faces chop

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