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  Monday 17th January 2005  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Aniston-Pitt: The heartbreak and the anguish

Whither now a once proud, lusty, breathy, sweaty passion, eh?
by Julian Baker

Former sex god and superstar Brad Pitt and his ageing wife Jennifer Aniston have announced their plans to divorce this week after four years of marriage. The couple have publicly stated their intention to remain close, but sources close to friends of people who know them spotted that the rot had set in soon after the sound of the wedding bells had faded.

Brad is believed to have suggested that the gorgeous pouting millionairess Aniston is "getting a bit of a flabby arse", and that he hasn't been "getting a lot of sack action if you know what I mean”. His cruel Christmas present to her, a DVD of hilarious British comedy Fat Slags, was the last straw. The heartbroken Jennifer has now booked herself into the exclusive Vorderman Clinic in Gants Hill where she will undergo extensive detox and learn how to relaunch her faded career.

Friends of the Friends star and friends of other stars’ “Friends” have been confusingly silent on the affair, but one person coming out of David Schwimmer's neighbour's drive yesterday speculated that Jennifer herself had been worrying about their marriage for some time. "He's let himself go so much," the celebrity haircut is reported to have whined. "I mean where is the sex God I first married? He doesn't shave, he breaks wind constantly and that whole skirt thing in Troy just left me cold. He doesn’t even look at me any more.”

It is a story that has been told countless times in the drama that is Hollywood. The glittering spectacle of two of the world's former most beautiful people, their looks and talent tarnished and fading. A once proud, lusty, breathy, sweaty passion which gasped, moaned and grunted its way through front pages of the unforgettable late nineties and early noughties, now lies in bloated tatters. Only a small supporting cast reduced to a tiny band of faithful fans and keen investigative journalists ensure that they will not pass on to gossip column oblivion.

Next week

Why Cameron Diaz might have let herself go a bit, but most blokes would still give her one, if pushed.

Previously

 Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?