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  Monday 17th January 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Scientists slam cherished car door myth

Cutting-edge research, shocking conclusions
by our man at the wheel

Scientists at the University of Central Luaanda have completed a 10-year, $8m research programme into car doors, the results of which will shatter forever one of the most cherished myths about said portals.

The crack team spend up to 70 hours a week opening and closing the doors on a range of makes and models. Their findings will amaze those who have spent years labouring under the illusion that if something impedes the satisfactory closure of a car door, then repeatedly slamming it with increasing ferocity will resolve the problem.

"Sadly no," admitted one ashen-faced boffin. "We found that the most common cause of failure was due to a length of seat belt extruding from the vehicle — often with the clasp jammed in the door locking mechanism. Our testers showed that the best method of resolving the problem was to remove the offending belt and then close the door as normal. Simply looking confused and then trying to close and reclose the door with mounting aggression simply a) resulted in the non-closure of the door and b) often resulted in damage to both the door and seatbelt."

Despite the apparently conclusive evidence, the British public remains unimpressed. "What complete and utter rubbish," confirmed one young mum as she struggled to load the week's shopping into the back of her hatchback. "To be honest, I think they should find something better to do with the time and money," she added while attempting to force the back door, unaware that the desired union of the two halves of the lock was prevented by a copy of Hello! magazine which had slipped unobserved into the mechanism. "Oh for fuc*k's sake," she raged before taking out her mobile to call the AA.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man