Prince Harry confirmed for Xmas panto cameo

Prince Harry will play Edward VIII in a Xmas panto version of Mein Kampf, we can exclusively reveal. The crowd-pleasing classic will feature the heir to the throne in musical discussions with Adolf Hitler regarding his ascension to the monarchy following a planned invasion of Britain by the Third Reich. Organisers admit that they originally contacted both Frank Bruno and Anthea Turner and offered them the role, but finally decided on Harry "because he's got his own costume".

The Emperor of Chelsea, Jose Mourinho, has reacted angrily to suggestions by referees’ chief Keith Hackett that he bullied official Neale Barry during last week's Carling Cup semi-final against Manchester United. Mourinho stands accused of threatening the hapless ref with a visit by the Stamford Bridge Praetorian Guard and further promising to send him into permanent exile in the Thracian third division after Barry awarded a borderline free kick decision to the Mancunii tribe led by Alexus Maximus Fergusonius. "His excellency has decided, however, decided to act with clemency in the matter," a Chelsea spokesman conceded. This is thought to mean that Barry and Hackett will be allowed to choose between falling on their swords or slitting their wrists in the bath after swigging from a big bottle of hemlock — thereby allowing their families to retain all lands and chattels, despite their heinous treason.

Land prices on Saturnian moon Titan rose 13 per cent in the four hours following the successful landing of the Huygens probe on the surface of the distant world, our property portfolio expert confirmed this morning. "Titan is the new Croatia," he enthused. "Get in there now and you can expect a 400 per cent return over five years — enough to fuel 3,000 London dinner party conversations." Pressed as to what the investor might expect to find on the satellite, he added: "Methane. Lots of methane and a sort of proto-atmosphere ripe for an injection of first-time buyers and second homers. But if you want beach-front, you'd better shift your arse..."

The news that the talented trio making up pop sensation Busted have decided to call it a day has sent shockwaves through the sun-kissed Indonesian seaside paradise of Banda Aceh, relief agencies confirm. "People here are sitting around dazed — too shocked to even continue the search for lost relatives," confirmed one grim-faced doc. "I even shed a couple of tears myself," he admitted. "I mean Charlie, christ, what have you done?" The former members of Busted, meanwhile, confirm that the split will allow then to "pursue other projects", including the development of a viable cold fusion reactor to "banish forever the spectre of world hunger" as a spokesman for Matt and James explained.

Hollywood has reacted with pleasant surprise to the news that Oliver Stone's epic Alexander the Great took $25 at the box office over the weekend. "That's $20 more than Fat Slags took in the first month," confirmed one industry insider. "It looks like this turkey may have turned the corner."