Railways deploy announcements in war on ne'er-do-wells

Faced with growing numbers of unwanted and unpleasant individuals hanging around their stations menacing their staff and generally creating an unpleasant atmosphere, rail operating companies have come up with a novel strategy: using their high-fidelity PA systems to disperse potential trouble-makers.

Scientists at Britain's National Rail Centre Research Unit in Mumbai have developed the technology following years of painstaking investigation and the results are now being implemented at rail stations across the UK.

The problem facing rail employees is a serious one. "Our staff are sick and tired of being harassed by these people," said an aggrieved assistant at one suburban station that has been plagued by threatening individuals who flock to the platforms day and night with the sole purpose of hanging around making angry noises. "They turn up here, every morning some of them, and menace employees who just want to be left alone to stick the kettle on and put their feet up."

Managers were at a loss to know how to get rid the hundreds of people who invaded the rail network every morning and, if confronted, offered the excuse that they wanted "to catch a train".

Now, instead of having to put up with gangs of besuited ne'er-do-wells trying to head to the West End or mobs of irate secretaries supposedly bound for the City, platforms are being cleared with alacrity.

"It works like this," explained one gleeful train company manager from the back of his BMW in the south of France. "As soon as we notice a large number of these scoundrels assembling with the alleged intention of travelling somewhere, we instruct our PA operator to put out messages that have been scientifically proven to shoo them off."

Examples of the output are as follows:

• The next train is cancelled
• The subsequent train is also cancelled
• Due to leaves on the line there will be no services from this station for the foreseeable future
• Due to engineering works in Kuala Lumpur this line will closed for a month
• Please stand clear of the platform edge as the next express service will derail at faulty points, impact with the station at high speed and close the network for a year

Previously

• Dancing in the streets greets Dickie Bowker honour
• Public rejoices at redefinition of rail travel paradigm
• Rail authority promises huge increase in north-south rail link stories