Golden boy Wilkinson in training ground horror mishap

England and Newcastle supremo Jonny Wilkinson has suffered yet another setback on his road to recovery after a freak training ground accident separated his head from his shoulders. Wilkinson, 25, was said to be recovering in hospital after doctors glued his head back on. According to sources close to the team, Wilkinson carried the ball into a routine training tackle with dynamic Welsh flanker and team-mate Colin Charvis, when the Welshman suddenly lifted his arm, and took the golden boy’s head clean off.

"At first I wasn’t sure if it had actually happened," Charvis said later. "I really didn’t mean it, although some of the guys said I did it on purpose because Jonny had been slagging off my hair earlier in the session. Poncey git thinks he’s a big man after one lucky drop goal. Here — I didn’t mean it, but I’m not unhappy it’s happened. Might teach him a thing or two about messing with the Welsh." Charvis, who has shockingly curled hair, broke down during the press conference, and was comforted by Newcastle hooker Andy Long.

Doctor Runne Forgazee, who performed the Glueonostopy procedure at Newcastle’s James Fletcher Hospital, said that the patient had come through the operation fine. "Jonny is doing quite well considering. This was a serious incident, one not to be taken lightly. Some people seem to think that losing your head on the field of play is part of the game, and Martin Johnson has a lot to answer for in this regard. I would appeal to the young players out there who worship Jonny to be careful. Jonny may not now return for several months."

Wilkinson himself issued a brief statement from his hospital bed. "Thank you for all the kind wishes of support as I make my way through this injury. I would like to assure all of my fans that I am doing everything I can to be back in time for the Lions' tour in the summer. It’s a serious injury, but at least it’s not soccer where you have to head the ball."

"He’s just so unlucky," Falcons manager rob Andrew said afterwards. "First the shoulder injury, then the biceps, and now this. I mean, you just can’t make this stuff up!"

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• Rotherham promotion threatens very foundations of Rugby Union
• BBC fanfares Rugby World Cup theme