Charles Ingram in audacious name-clearing bid

Major Charles Ingram, the ebullient TV quiz champion and moral millionaire stripped of his winnings after a media witch-hunt in 2001 and convicted of cheating in a sham trial at Southwark Crown Court in 2003, has announced the launch of a national campaign to clear his name.

New Labour's parliamentary candidate for the ultra-safe seat of Coventry North East has been kept under wraps by the Millbank party machine until this election year, allowing him to work undisturbed with the Prime Minister and his children behind the scenes on developing The Fourth Way, a glittering package of high-minded principle, general knowledge and tactics designed to lance the festering wounds of party disunity and prove the major's innocence once and for all.

Attending the launch at the city's historic County Hall were the Prime Minister, the Chancellor and a host of Cabinet heavyweights who sat enthralled on the creaking platform as the seasoned military campaigner set out his stall. "I have a strategy," he declared to rapturous applause. The first step, he told the cheering faithful, was to get into Parliament on the back of a thumping majority at the imminent general election, which couldn't come too soon.

Mr Blair and Mr Brown were the first to congratulate the major as he stepped from the podium amid deafening applause. Photographers captured a tableau of exquisite harmony as the ecstatic trio embraced, confirming the rumours of a freshly-signed truce between the feuding neighbours of Downing Street. A golden age of rekindled enthusiasm for the modernising agenda is in the offing, with disaffected supporters returning to the party in droves.

The official mastermind of election strategy Alan Milburn stepped up to deliver the next address, on the inspiring theme of public service reform. As the populist communicator outlined his raft of proposals the jubilant atmosphere in the hall turned to respectful silence, restless fidgeting, whispers of "what's for tea?", while on the platform the musical wheezing and snoring of Cabinet heavyweights Brown, Clarke and Prescott provided a harmonious backing to their colleague's smooth Geordie drone. Mr Blair himself was seen to stifle a yawn.

The slow handclapping and deliberate coughing began, signalling an unmistakable verdict — the raspberry for Milburn, a clamour for Ingram's return. The Prime Minister roused himself, aware of a desperate need to act. With a tap on the speaker's shoulder he brought Mr Milburn's contribution to a close. "Thank you, Alan, most instructive. Public services are so very worthwhile, I'm sure everyone here would agree. But now a more pressing manifesto commitment — " in showmanship style he made a dramatic pause " — the New Labour fast track to personal wealth in ten easy questions, and your speaker once again — Charles Ingram!"

With the campaign was rescued from a near fatal digression the Prime Minister embarked on a round of interviews in which he extolled the virtues of an outstanding candidate who would work tirelessly to turn his fortunes around.

"Charles has an immense amount to offer Britain and should be in government," he told reporters, and although he could not make any "guarantees or definitive statements" about future jobs the implication was clear that he would not be languishing on the backbenches for long.

"I have come to know him very well," Mr Blair revealed, "and I believe him to be a man of real integrity and real ability and I was very sad for him as to what happened. He left the quiz show without a stain on his character."

Cocaine habit

Further details of the major's campaign emerged later in the day. "He's already got a sub-strategy thoroughly worked out for the Health Service, the Foreign Office or whatever it might be," an Ingram spokesman divulged, "but of course he'll have hardly begun to put it in place before some extraordinary allegation hits the headlines about siphoning off public funds to feed the cocaine habit of his children that'll get blown up out of all proportion and before he knows it he'll be battling to save his political life."

The crisis will come to a head in the enactment of a popular ceremony, pencilled in for October this year, when Major Ingram will emerge flushed with emotion from the door of Number 10 to face the assembled journalists and announce his resignation, uttering the hallowed words "even though I've done nothing wrong."

The official enquiry into the incident will unearth reams of irrefutable hearsay and conjecture that the unfortunate lapse in standards must surely have been the fault of others in the department doing their best to be helpful. Vindicated beyond all shadow of doubt, the verdict against Major Ingram in the other matter will at last be recognised for the travesty it was and overturned in the Court of Appeal. The long withheld cheque for a million pounds will be presented with humblest apologies by the grovelling ITV chairman Sir Peter Burt in a bumper retrospective edition of the popular quiz show, to go out on Christmas Day.

The Prime Minister has already indicated his willingness to be called as an expert witness with specialist knowledge in the field of personal probity should the need arise. Though not yet in the Cabinet the major has become, in the words of his spokesman "an indispensable colleague and friend. Charles and Tony hit it off from the word go," he added. "They seem to have a unique understanding that goes beyond what he enjoyed even with Mandy or Blunkers" (previous intimate companions of the Prime Minister who resigned from the front bench after doing nothing wrong).

Until this week the blossoming relationship — "which has already borne immense fruit for the New Labour project" — was the best kept secret in Westminster, known only to a few chosen aides and the family themselves. The major has incidentally become a firm favourite with Blair ladies as well. "Nicky and Kathryn's general knowledge has come on leaps and bounds, and he's been a great comfort to Cherie at times of stress such as Tony's recent heart operation."

Indeed the Prime Minister's decision to continue the family holiday in Egypt instead of returning to London to direct the British relief operation in the wake of the tsunami can now be properly explained. With the major expressly invited to join them, he could never have forgiven himself for missing out on those last few precious days in delightful company away from the spotlight, strolling shoulder to shoulder among the inspiring pyramids as they discussed the finer points of manly virtue and he tested his ideas for the third term against the well-informed wisdom of a trusted confidant with a vast reservoir of facts at his fingertips.

Of course in the implementation of every strategy there's bound to be a loser, and in this case it's Alan Milburn. The distinctly shop-soiled member for Darlington, unable to face up to the new realities, is plugging away for all he's worth on the same tired old themes, convinced that he's still the favourite. One of the major's craftiest sub-strategies was to persuade the Prime Minister to bring him back as a decoy in the interim while the far more attractive offerings of The Fourth Way were being finalised. With this phase accomplished the usefulness of Milburn has come to an end and the briefing against him has started.

Next week

A match made in heaven — how Tony and Charles first met.

Previously

• Alan Milburn wows Labour conference
• Missing Briton found alive after tsunami ordeal
• Tearful Milburn kids tout school recorder concert ticket