Disciplinary committee triumphs in Wenger-Fergie feud

Following the shock rapprochement between warring managers Arséne Wenger and Alex Ferguson, The Rockall Times can reveal details of the FA's emergency tribunal that brought it about. We can also exclusively name the mysterious consultants who managed the impossible - getting them to make friends and act like grown-ups.

Nominally chairing the meeting, FA Chairman Geoff Thomson informed the mediators of the charges made against the two managers. He then retired to a safe distance to take notes. Enter Agnés Wenger, a slight but severe-looking lady of 87, who swore on a rather good bottle of Burgundy that she was indeed the mother of the Arsenal coach. She professed herself "very disappointed" at the catalogue of offences named in the FA's dossier, especially the alleged throwing of food.

Jean Muirhead, 92, represented the Ferguson family in place of Sir Alex's late mother and father. Closely resembling Supergran with an eyepatch, she would frequently allude to the calamity that would unfold if only the United gaffer's parents could see him now.

Mrs Muirhead began proceedings by asking Mr Ferguson to recall what she had told him about getting into trouble with the other managers. After having to repeat the question, Ferguson replied: "Don't know, Auntie Jean," whilst looking at his shoes. Taking his ear in a firm grip, Muirhead then thrashed the snivelling Scotsman around the head with her handbag until he began to cry.

Mme Wenger quickly took up the questioning, alternating between asking the Arsenal manager what he thought he was playing at, then imploring God Almighty to explain what she had done to deserve such an ungrateful, naughty son. Faced with such a rhetorical line of questioning, Wenger could do nothing except blush and say "Sorry mother" as often as he could.

With an approving nod from Mme. Wenger, Mrs Muirhead rushed forward and banged the sullen managers' heads together, bringing an end to the rift with a symbolic act of maternal violence. She concluded: "God help ye both if this happens again." The managers shook hands without making eye contact and the FA's representatives declared themselves satisfied with the result of the meeting. However, the battling ladies confirmed more informal disciplinary measures would be executed just as soon "as we get you two boys home".

Previously

• Old Trafford crisis: Where has it all gone wrong?
• Fergie rages at AWOL Ferdinand
• Fergie spontaneously combusts