Ferguson-Wenger fight off: Official

'Stop the Fists' intervenes, Harry Redknapp distraught

by Bob Wallet

Ferguson-Wenger: Fisticuffs off Harry Redknapp looks like a ruined man when The Rockall Times catches up with him. He has just received a text message which says simply: "fergi wngr fxtur off no need 4 oranges now". Sitting alone in the Lard Below Moon, a fashionable bistro opposite Holloway Prison owned by celebrity chef AA Gill, Redknapp is forced to think about what might have been.

"I blame the FA. Ever since the Palios-Eriksson-Alam tag contest went belly-up they've not really had the appetite for settling disagreements like this. It's all very well having disciplinary procedures, but big men don't take no notice of things like that. All they understand, all big men understand, is the feeling of someone's hand in yer mush."

The whole shambolic episode began ten days ago after Sir Adolf Ferguson accused Arsenal Wenger of "coming towards me with his arms in the air shouting 'fancy a bit of this you Jock cun*t?'" The scene in the tunnel at Old Trafford thereafter resembled a Hal Roach comedy as players and officials were forced to duck custard pies and prawn sandwiches thrown by disgruntled BBC pundit Ray "Stubbsy" Stubbs. In the confusion Carling Cup medal winner Gary Neville mistakenly insulted voiceover artist and Arsenal target man Thierry Henry. The spat was enough to set the two managers at one another's throats again.

Ferguson, married with several grandchildren, is believed to have been miffed by comments made by Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, a former 70s television icon, who accused the Manchester United bruiser of scaring referees. Ferguson bizarrely retaliated by calling Wenger, a man who according to supermodel Jordan has a short fuse, a disgrace.

"This public animosity is bringing the game into disrepute," said a huge spokesperson addressing the press outside the FA's Montserrat headquarters. "That is why the wrestling contest was suggested. Get everything out into the open. Five rounds: three knockouts or a submission."

Concern was growing in several quarters over the safety of the forthcoming Arsenal-Man U fixture at Highbury. Recent encounters between these two sides had seen some of the worst displays of gamesmanship in the history of British, if not European football. Incidents had included: Roy Keane eating one of David Seaman's glass eyes; Martin Keough stamping repeatedly on Ruud van Nistelrooy's ring finger; Ray Parlour dislocating one of Ryan Giggs' sternums; and the notorious 'moshing incident' from the 2001/2002 season when the Arsenal back four stole Phil Nelville's Herman Munster face mask in injury time.

The venue for the managers' five-round contest was to have been the Poole Lido on the outskirts of Hampshire, and this is where Harry Redknapp comes into the picture. It had all worked out nicely. "Big Ronnie [Atkinson] was back off his hols in Liberia and him and me had the catering sorted. Slices of orange between rounds and Robinsons Barley Water sponsoring the pre-fight entertainment. A Ferguson-Wenger dream ticket would have pulled the punters in from as far as Befnall Green. And now these do-gooding wan*kers have put the kibosh on it."

The do-gooding wan*kers referred to by Redknapp were the human rights activists from "Stop the Fists", a not-for-profit organisation set up to curtail the new trend in hand-to-hand contests between public figures. Their notable successes include a high court injunction preventing the six-round fight between Anthony Worrell Thompson and Linda Barker. "They fink we're gonna be chucking dwarves about, but all that stopped in the 1980s," says Redknapp. "It's not like that anymore. The only reason the Palios-Eriksson-Alam contest happened was because it was held in Manilla."

Roz Mooney, the cherubic-looking president of Stop the Fists, told The Rockall Times: "The Ferguson-Wenger contest would have set an appalling example to millions of young football supporters who already think that a scalpel blade and business card are the only way to solve a problem."

Opinion amongst fans was mixed. "It's a shame," said Gary Gaffney, editor of the unofficial Man U fanzine We Always Come on a Saturday. "The boil needed lancing and this was the best way to do it." However, Arsenal fan Shafter, (not his real name) a self-styled "top boy from the feared Headwear Department" begged to differ. "We're the fuc*kin' maulers, yeah, we do the fuc*kin' eye gouging and the fuc*kin' ear chewin', yeah. If a fuc*kin' rumpus is kicking off it's our fuc*kin' rumpus, not a couple of posh cun*ts with a six-figure fuc*kin' salary. Mind you, some of us cun*ts have six-figure fuc*kin' salaries, but to us it's fuc*kin' life and death see, not some fuc*kin' Monday night spat in 'Ampshire."

And so, with only the prospects of another season in charge of high-flying Southampton, Harry Rednapp finishes off the last dregs of his Darjeeling, counts his loose change one more time and stands up to leave. "What really sticks in me froat is the fact that when they're meeting up at Highbury I'll probably be somewhere like Norwich or Middlesbrough. Talk about getting the sh*itty end of the stick. Big Ronnie's gutted."

The Rockall Times tried to get an interview with Ray "Stubbsy" Stubbs, but he was unavailable for comment.

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Ferguson-Wenger fight off: Official

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