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  Monday 24th January 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Immediate action demanded to outlaw Green-Tack

Blair pledges to save BUMs
by Harry Karry

"Green-Tack To Revolutionise Stationery Industry!" Who can forget the headline from Stationery Collectors' Monthly that lauded the arrival of paradigm-busting office sensation Green-Tack? Now, after the hubris and mass hysteria have died down, world leaders must reflect on the unwitting damage that the euphoric utilisation of this revolutionary product may have caused.

The facts are these: In the East African state of Djibouti is a small area of dry savanna, known as the Minga. Amongst the shrubs and flowers of the Minga is a small purple-spotted plant, the Mingin Acacia (Acacia Mingin-DavidBellamyensis). Hovering around the pungent and garish heads of the Acacia's flowers can be found one of the lesser known species of hummingbird. In fact, the Bow-legged, Ugly Munchkin bird (BUM bird) is now so rare that it is almost not known at all. Marginal zoologist, Dr Annie Maul, was on an expedition into the heart of Djibouti when she came across the BUM birds and decided to take one home to put on display in her "Murdered Birds of East Africa" private zoological collection. While dismembering the bird for taxidermic experimentation, Dr Maul discovered that the gall bladder contained a green tacky substance.

Nothing new there, you may think. But when Dr Maul published her findings in The Annals of Taxidermy, she provoked a world-wide scramble for the newly-christened "Green-Tack". During the ensuing media chaos, stationery enthusiasts rushed to Djibouti to capture BUM birds from the wild. It is estimated that over 2,000 tons of Green-tack were extracted from the birds during the month of June 2004 alone. By December, supplies of Green-Tack were starting to become scarce. Now this rare commodity is only sold on the black market at prices exceeding £1m an ounce.

The success of Green-Tack has had a devastating effect on the BUM birds with until recently only two breeding pairs left in the wild and one captive pair in the Queen's private aviary. However, the high-profile kidnapping of Princess Anne by stationery activists put an end to the Queen's birds, since she gave in to the terrorists demands to hand over the pair after receiving a recording of her daughter being tortured with a stapler.

So, what of the seemingly terminal plight of the four remaining BUM birds? Their only hope is at an extraordinary meeting of world leaders next month, where activists will table a world-wide ban on the trade in Green-Tack. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has offered his full support, saying: "We must act to save these birds. This is a time for urgent action rather than meaningless sound bites." He went on to say that "every bird should be heard" and "distinction is better than extinction". Opposition leader Michael Howard, said that if the Conservatives were elected they would "save five times as many birds as the current government". If, nonetheless, world leaders cannot agree a resolution then the future looks bleak for the BUM bird, and it will become yet another innocent victim of stationery violence. Very soon the only traces of these birds to be found may be on the back of posters in student digs or in the pages of a book.

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