Japan provokes tsunami fury

Emperor Akihito of all the Japans last week faced an angry Rest of World after the keys to the Asian Tsunami Aid Fund warehouse were finally located, and shocked aid workers flung open the doors to find that Japan had, in fact, failed to donate any money at all to alleviate the suffering of those lives shattered by the ocean's mighty anger.

Speaking to an agitated press throng, Akihito argued: "You should be grateful for us for the word 'tsunami' in the first place. Good luck getting the attention of Gavin Worker and Sally Boring with something like 'tectonic swell'." Despite the tangible atmosphere of hostility and shouts of "When do we get our robots?" the Emperor was allowed to continue: "You could have had the literal 'harbour waves', but you don’t need me to tell you how difficult it is to get the public to open their wallets these days."

Sober-faced mandarins from Fleishman-Hillard — the world's third least responsible PR firm — admitted shortly afterwards that the Emperor was entirely justified in making his pronouncement and was wise to end his speech with a performance of the 1994 hit Doop. "It's obvious," said the one besuited rep we spoke to, "that the word 'tsunami' offers a dream. Kids love it — especially the boys. They love Japanese stuff. Them cards and whatever. Furthermore, the complex exoticness of a T-S initial phoneme beguiles and entrances the thickos — they've never seen anything like it."

A smaller and less intimidating mandarin explained: "People feel a bit better about themselves if they use cool sounding foreign words. When you donate money to the tsunami fund, you’re buying into the possibility of a life where you might say weltanschuuang or l'esprit d'escaliers — maybe in a home that you own. I mean, in the Bangladesh appeals they talk about 'monsoons' and 'heavy rainfall in the mountains' and although I like what they’ve done with 'flash flooding', it just sounds depressing.

"Japanese words are edgy and exciting, and particularly productive across the demographics — from the single mum and her bag of satsumas to the power couple on their futon. Who'd want tiny oranges and hard beds, really? Clearly, without the word 'tsunami', the 'Asian Wave-Event Aid Fund' would have only made around $600k, maybe not even broke even — you think the Osbournes work for free?. The Doop thing was weird, but seemed just right," he added.

Despite the solidity of Emperor Akihito's argument (and Charleston), the reactionary crowd were unconvinced. "Well alright then," his Imperial Majestyness eventually snapped. "When there's a tsunami in the Pacific we won’t ask for any of your money at all. We don’t care. Don’t need it. Everything here is made of magnets anyway."

Previously

• Japan set to defy international whaling ban
• Jap discovered still fighting World Cup
• Jap boffins to cross pig with cucumber and then accelerate it to Mach 7