Doctor Who the fuc*k you lookin' at?

As part of its ongoing effort to contemporize the revamped Doctor Who, the BBC this morning unveiled the latest addition to the cast. The Doctor's new galactic nemesis will be Chavros, a heinous genetic mongrel, half dalek, half chav. "Everyone hates Chavs," said a BBC spokesman, "and I can assure you that the Doctor gives this fuc*ker a good pasting." Plot details are scant, but it is understood that Chavros' reign of terror on earth will involve unleashing a plague of Burberry caps, hamburger "restaurants", dodgy benefit claims and teenage pregnancies. The old catchphrase of "Exterminate" will be replaced with a stream of profanity and random invitations to violence. No official word as yet, but predictably enough on hearing he was to be replaced in the new show, Davros was reported to be "very angry".

We are delighted to note that Viktor Yushchenko has been sworn in as Ukraine's new president, on a pledge to "bring his country closer to Europe". While this manifesto is welcomed among Ukraine's battle-weary voters, some other nations have expressed concern. "As far as we're concerned, Ukraine is quite close enough, thanks very much," a spokesman for the German government told The Rockall Times while moving small models of tanks across a map of Eastern Europe and chewing on an enormous pork sausage. "Unless it's got top-quality beach resorts, of course, and then we'll let them tow it to the south of Austria," he conceded.

There have been excited rumblings in the wonderful world of technology recently as Finnish mobile phone monolith Nokia announced that it has been secretly working on what it has dubbed "Visual Radio". The idea is that you take an FM signal and add "enhancements" to it such as information or pictures. We gather that Nokia hopes to unleash Visual Radio on the eager public in the near future, before the recently-formed British Broadcasting Corporation launches a similar service combining sound and pictures.

The Spanish nation is preparing itself to vote on the adoption of the European Constitution — a document designed to bring peace and love across the entire continent and beyond. On 20 February, Spaniards will en masse take five minutes off from bullfighting and throwing donkeys from church towers to decide on whether the proposed document will have any effect on their cherished cultural heritage. Most polemical for Iberians is the constitution's assertion that all EU citizens must make at least some effort to arrive at a pre-arranged rendevous at the agreed time. We asked a spokesman for the Spanish government to comment, but he didn't turn up for the interview until we'd already left — three hours later.

Top Kids' TV frightmonger J. Davros has sensationally quit show business on the eve of a new series of Doctor Who, the seminal lo-budget 70s shitefest that made him a household quite scary thing in a bubbly bath chair. Davros was informed by top BBC apparatchiks yesterday that there would be no part for him in the revamped show. This precipitated a 30-minute killing spree around Broadcasting House, although Davros was eventually apprehended, sedated and calm enough to speak to reporters. "I'm gutted," he told us forlornly. "I've revamped my image, lost the bubbly bath chair, grafted my genetically superior brain onto a humanoid form, ditched the bacofoil dungarees and smartened up my act, all to be usurped by some recalcitrant chav in a spaz chariot." Davros is reputed to be considering a career in politics, running on an independent "Exterminate Chavs!" ticket. Robert Kilroy-Silk has allegedly expressed an interest in the deputy leadership.