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  Monday 24th January 2005  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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The scandal of Oxbridge public school bias

The Rockall Times digs deep, and hits educational dirt
by Gwillam Baskerville-Marks

Using data obtained from a secret source (aka the Ofsted website), The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that last year a higher percentage of students from special measures toffs' school Eton got into Oxbridge than managed to do so from the highly-rated Bogstandard High of Hackney (now sponsored by the Pot Noodle Corporation).

This was in direct contravention of government policy that says figures like this should be kept hidden and not talked about.

"This research exposes the lies behind the education system of this country," stormed a spokesperson for the teachers union Use Your Head while foaming at the mouth and laughing at adverts for her profession on TV portraying all her charges as vibrant and dead keen to learn. She was later dismissed for sleeping with one of her pupils.

To back up its findings, The Rockall Times submitted dummy applications from two separate pupils — one supposedly at Eton and one supposedly attending Bogstandard — to colleges at both Oxford and Cambridge.

The application from Eton — in the name Hetherington-Smythe Gracewell Topping and postmarked Windsor — was accepted by the mail sorter at the Post Office before it had even been delivered to either Oxford or Cambridge. Both universities immediately dispatched chauffeurs to collect Topping before he could go elsewhere.

However the application from Bogstandard — in the name of Chas'n'Dave and postmarked Olympic Village — was taken directly to the bin by the Bursar's dog as soon as it hit the doormat.

Government reaction to this irrefutable evidence was swift indeed: "Things must change," thundered Education Secretary Ruth Kelly between bouts of scourging herself, burning copies of The Da Vinci Code and dropping yet another sprog.

Meanwhile, in what is seen as a little ray of educational sunshine for students from the lower social orders, Luton University has publicly offered to accept "any student from Bogstandard High with the necessary qualifications", or indeed "any student from Bogstandard High", or in fact "any student prepared to come to Luton".

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