Tories' brave new economic policy takes a kicking

Sensational Conservative plans put forward by vibrant young leader Mike Howard to reward voters after he sweeps to power have been unveiled to general surprise as the race for Downing Street colds up. Howard has already revitalised the Tories to such an extent that previous party has-beens such as IDS are now being talked about reverentially and with his new scheme even opponents say that he has taken things to "an unbelievable new level".

The proposals — announced amid rumours that even Howard himself is considering defecting to New Labour and with Tony Blair now only 227 per cent ahead in the polls — would see increased spending on defence, health, social security, education, road building, public transport, overseas aid, farming, fishing, and forestry along with every taxpayer receiving a rebate of £5m plus a free family ticket to Chessington World of Adventures (not valid at weekends).

As the General Election nears and polls show Conservative voting support hovering near the psychologically significant 0 per cent mark and with name recognition level for Howard himself — even amongst Tory MPs and his own family — at no higher than 0.5 per cent, the need for a "radical" policy to get voters enthused had become clear.

Early indications are that Howard has been extremely bold but Conservative strategists have rejected the idea that the plan should in any way be seen as a sign of "desperation". Reaction to the scheme has been mixed with some reporters preferring to write about cats stuck up trees and others dismissing the entire plan as "utter and unmitigated cobblers".

Any cogent press comment has tended towards the time-honoured "figures don't add up" line of attack. However, one expert at Tory HQ we spoke to explained that the "fully costed" part of the programme could be explained by the fact that "since there's not a cat in hell's chance of Michael being elected, it won't be costing anything — and we reckon that's affordable, don't you?"

Previously

• Letwin promises 'no tax promises'
• Tory luminaries pierce gloom of Orwellian nanny state
• Fab West London Tories wow UK