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  Monday 24th January 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Internet onanists express wireless dismay

'A bit of a non-starter'
by Flash Gorman

A growing chorus of disapproval is threatening to drown out the triumphant fanfare of trumpets which form the backdrop to the latest must-have technical wizardry. Thousands of eager punters have invested in the bleeding edge hi-tech that is wireless networking — only to discover it's exactly like ordinary networking but without wires.

We spoke to top propellerhead Dr Edward Smith of Welford University about the seeming chasm between what wireless technology promises and what it actually delivers.

"What we have in this instance," explained Dr Smith, "is a classic example of people buying something simply because it is fashionable rather than because they actually have a need for it. A bit like those stupid knitted ponchos you see people wearing. Oh yes, and those bloody silly Philippe Starke lemon squeezers. Jesus.

"On the face of it having a wireless network seems quite useful as it means you can use your computer in any room in the house. However, when you bear in mind that over 95 per cent of internet usage is for viewing pornography then it becomes a less useful tool. Sure, you can connect to the internet from your laptop in the living room, but is this really where you want to be indulging in a quick five-finger shuffle? It would certainly make my wife look up from Coronation Street, I can tell you. Why do you think so many men lock themselves in the spare room when they 'work from home'? Of course when I say 'work from home' I actually mean 'crack one off like a Viagra-charged gibbon suffering an acute attack of priapism'."

"You must also take into account that wireless transmitters can be thwarted by things such as walls and ceilings — items that are common in many homes — and if you do get your network to transmit properly then some spotty kid next door with a device made from an empty Pringles tube can intercept and steal your porn stash. Viewed in this light the whole thing becomes a bit of a non-starter."

Harsh words indeed and ones not shared by all. Indeed, our very own Rockall Times networking wizard — the only man known to have got a wireless LAN working underwater — assured us from his cubbyhole in the broom cupboard that Wi-Fi technology was a very desirable thing indeed and did anyone have an empty Pringles tube he can borrow since the neighbours' son was about to access a pay-to-view Russian Lolitas site for a bit of "working from home".

Previously

 Go on then, hard man