Bantu children liberated from singing camp of terror (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Today a joint task force comprising, CIA, FBI and Immigration officials rescued 73 African Bantu children from a secret singing camp. This singing camp of terror was located on a backstage lot associated with entertainment super corporation Paramount. The children, suspected of being forced to sing backing tracks for dozens of hit Hollywood movie soundtracks, as well as various network-syndicated shows managed by Paramount over the last few years, are now in protective custody.

Officials have been tracking the actions of various entertainment corporations suspected of being involvement in so-called "Indenturtainment" related crimes. However, this is the first case involving the actual rescue and release "R&R" of corporation assets. The practice of using uneducated children of tribal decent to produce illegible yet haunting backing tracks for Hollywood blockbuster movies and other entertainment platforms has long been under investigation by US anti-criminal organisations.

Special Agent Branson, Press Officer, CIA, commenting to press today, stated: "These children are deprived of basic American rights and privileges such as access to TV, skate boarding parks, Brittany Spears and even sources of clean drinking cola.they have never even tasted a Happy Meal™©®, such is the horror of their captivity," continued a visibly-shaken Branson.

Branson then elaborated: "We have been tracking this 'Gladiator' group for over three years, named for its involvement in the hit summer movie and Russell Crowe platform of the same name. Special armchair surveillance units monitoring blockbuster soundtracks for the last few years have been using sophisticated, in-home theatre technologies and investigative techniques to determine the involvement of these 'Indentutainers' in various hit movies and spin-off TV shows. The technology now exists to determine if Bantu or other tribal children have been used in the soundtrack of a modern entertainment vehicle and we now have the men on the ground to act on that information.

"With our US armed forces liberating so many tribal, ingrates in the Middle East it is a blessing to free and receive actual gratitude from so many absolutely darling little heroes from the network entertainment camp hell that is the only life they know. Whilst these children are incapable of even the most basic survival, sports appreciation and social skills that are the birthright of every American child it is hoped that specialists at the MTV centre for social development can bring these tortured slave brats up to par with retarded American children within a year or two.

"Their integration into American society will begin after a two-year national press tour promoting the need for strong policing policies against this sort of entertainment crime to the American public. These children are proof against the greatest enemy working against peace in America today are the entertainment networks. These children will — during the tour — educate, inform and entertain the American public with the aim of gaining further funding to help rescue and free more of these heroic captives of fame from their network overlords. No longer will these children be used as part of a media agenda of a larger organisation, freedom, is their new 'Big Mac' meal and the American dream is their MIBII promotional tie-in happy toy," Branson concluded tearfully.

Whilst the paper trail of ownership lists the children's apparent guardian as some Chinese guy working somewhere in San Diego, it is only a matter of time before FBI legal experts can link this crime to the real perpetrators — Paramount and other Networks of their ilk. Paramount representatives refused to comment on the "Indenturtainment" allegations but one press officer admitted "that the back lot in question is fairly big and we're not quite sure exactly what's in there, hell, there could even be some dead people in there, er, em no, no there aren't, forget I said that..." before quickly hanging up the phone.

Boosted by increased public awareness and support for this type of investigation the special "Slaves in Song" (SIS) investigation squad is working with international anti-crime organisations to track down the "Lord of the Rings" group of children believed to be owned by International criminal heavyweight, and network-associated songstress Enya who has been linked to the haunting non-sensical vocal backing of the fantasy blockbuster trilogy of films being manufactured in New Zealand by local media warlord Peter Jackson.

Bantu children liberated from singing camp of terror

Previously