Champagne corks pop as crime figures plummet

Charles Clarke has welcomed the latest set of crime figures that show many offences falling to record lows, saying that "this proves that Britain is a better place for most people". The recently-appointed Home Secretary was speaking out to counter misguided criticism that just because a few more people have ended up dead there is some sort of crisis.

Although Clarke admitted that the numbers of a very few types of offence may indeed have slightly risen (in esoteric categories such as assault, rape, and murder, recorded victims have risen by over 10 per cent) he has stressed that we need to be focussing on the better news.

And the better news is that many types of crime are at records lows, including:

• Unauthorised access onto the land surrounding duck ponds in East Anglia was down 25 per cent (from 4 incidents to 3).
• Speeding offences by children on their scooters in wildlife parks in west Wales was down 33 per cent (from 3 to 2).
• Lost property in Blacks the Bakers in Egg Nog down 50 per cent (from 2 to 1).
• Persistent loud talking in Basingstoke public libraries completely eradicated (from 1 to 0).

Speaking to reporters at a press conference delayed due to his late return from a "working lunch" at Pizza Express, Clarke went onto add: "If you lot can't see how much better this is then you must be blind and reckless and I'm certainly not both of those".

Previously

• Northants police celebrate eradication of all serious crime
• Street crime stats slump
• Met reviews love-based solution to London gun crime