---

I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

---

Trawl Rockall for:

---

Scientists hail miracle diet

The epidemic of obesity which has blighted the lives of so many in North America and Europe may soon be ended by a new miracle diet which scientists are hailing as "the greatest nutritional breakthough since sliced bread*".

Aid workers in the stricken African state of Sudan noticed that despite all the usual triggers for comfort eating leading to obesity — stress, depression, bereavement, unemployment, genocide, etc — the people of the Sudan have managed to keep their traditionally-trim figures intact.

The American society of nutrition conducted a five-year study into the reasons for the apparent anomaly and have now condensed their findings into a simple to follow weight loss plan — the Sudan Diet™. One astounded doctor commented: "Early results are astonishing. After just three weeks on this regime, some of my patients have lost 70lb."

Chronically obese Mary Phelps of St Louis, Missouri explained how she was driven from her home by armed men and told to walk 100 miles to a famine relief station in Illinois. "I weighed 300lb. I was wearing only the clothes I stood up in. I had no money, no bottled mineral water, not even a can of coke," Reminisced a lithe and smiling Ms Phelps. "Man, it was hard to find the energy to walk. My feet bled and I was forced to drink water from streams and ditches."

Ms Phelps went on to praise the Sudan Diet Company who, as part of the service, strengthened her resolve by threatening to shoot her if she did not keep going. Also included in the package were pictures of her starving mother and children who awaited her return from the Illinois relief station bearing vital supplies. "Those pictures sure kept me going," she chuckled. "I got to the camp, was given 50lb of maize, fought with some other guys and stole another 25lb, then back on the road again."

During her return trip she was repeatedly harassed by nutritionalists posing as Government troops. "I new the diet was working," quipped Phelps, "when I was gang-raped in a police station. No-one has shown that sort of interest in me since I was 220 pounds."

When she finally reached home after a 15-day round trip during which she subsisted on water on the outward journey and a maize flour gruel on the return leg, Phelps was delighted to find she had shed 56lb. The diet plan now offers her a choice of a further trip to collect more food or a dose of amoebic dysentery.

Phelps' story is typical of many in the US who have tried the new Sudan Diet™. "Its natural, its simple and it works" is the motto, and so far it seems to be exceeding all expectations.

Disclaimer

*Scientists have asked us to note that the sliced bread in question is wholemeal, low-salt sliced bread taken in moderation as part of a balanced diet.

Previously

• Food giants back call for smaller portions
• New fat theory wobbles world of obesity
• God drops fatties on Darwin