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  Monday 31st January 2005  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Mounting excitement over British art house movie

'Nine Songs' set to bust blocks
by K. Ritic

With the first UK screenings of sensatonal Brit movie Nine Songs hoitting the big screen in March, Art House cinema managers and teenage boys alike have been getting excited about the most eagerly-anticipated British media event since The War in Iraq™.

"This means," said one rather worried looking cinema executive, "we will have to take extra precautions in the theatres themselves. We don't want any nasty accidents." He admits to have already ordered hundreds of "wipe-clean" plastic seat covers "just in case", although other cinema proprietors will deploy army-trained ushers to ensure that over-excited cinemagoers "keep their hands where we can see 'em". As the projectionist at the Basingstoke Coronet put it: "We can do without spotty teens going at it like hook-handed, one-eyed ragheads desperate for their share of the British benefit system."

Regarding the artistic merit of the work, opinion is generally favourable. "It's good to know," enthused one pundit with a small goatee beard, "that the male population of Britain will finally get a dose of culture, British culture. This film isn't a porn film, this is a film about only two people who are English, who roger each other from dusk till dawn, not because it's their job, but because they are in love, or at least their characters are anyway. The director just happened to concentrate on the more bearable, enjoyable, watchable and hardcore aspects of their relationship, something which is often and regrettably left out of romantic movies."

A group of boys aged between 13 and 18, from East London, likewise expressed a keen interest in the film's "action sequences". Not that any had heard of it before, except one who thought it was French, and claimed he had already seen it on Channel 5. They said that at last they can now get their parents to support their Friday night outings. As one fine example of British youth put it: "My Mum said she won't pay for fuc*kfilms and violent films and stuff, but this ain't porn innit? This is art and stuff! Innit?" When The Rockall Times told them that it would be suitable only for adults, they didn't seem too dissapointed. Indeed, showing their IDs with pride, they bought everyone a pint, and then legged it without paying.

There are high hopes then that Nine Songs could be the catalyst for a much-needed British film industry revival. However, it this doesn't materialise, perhaps the rumoured sequel Nine Songs 2: The Fuc*kfest — with its catchier title — will provide the long-awaited boost. In the meantime, those cinema aficionados who want to appreciate Nine Songs without the torrid rumpy-pumpy, the makers are offering a censored version featuring only those scenes from the film where the characters aren't going at it like Frenchies on Bastille day. It lasts approximately five minutes, including the credits.

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