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Howard goes for jugular with Rockall immigrant camp plan

The sacred islet of Rockall was rocked to its very rocks last night when it was revealed that Tory leader Michael Howard wants to establish a UN-sponsored immigration transit camp right here on the world's remotest outcrop. The shock news emerged following secret talks with Rockall's Minister for The Pointy Bit On Top, and comes against the backdrop of heightened fears in some quarters that the UK is in danger of becoming overrun by millions of frighteningly foreign people.

Mr Howard, who has previously admitted to being "slightly frightening" himself, is understood to have rowed single-handed to the islet in the middle of the night wearing only a shroud of secrecy. Asked whether he didn't consider this to be a somewhat unusual approach to diplomacy he replied: "Nonsense, I frequently travel by the light of a full moon, and besides I draw great strength from being completely alone — something with which I have become very familiar during the last two years".

Sources on Rockall later confirmed that upon his arrival Mr Howard enjoyed a full ceremonial welcome, including a fly-past of the World Renowned Royal Rockall Albatross Aeronautics Club ('Wrrraac'); a rare formal audience with the Grand High Auk; and the presentation of a buy-one-get-one-free voucher for the island's only Garlic & Stake outlet (the use of which was later declined on health grounds).

After the talks Mr Howard, nevertheless cut a heroic figure as he waited on the foreshore for the tide to turn. Speaking briefly to the assembled throng of reporters, gannets, dead crabs and assorted limpets, he repeatedly asserted that he believed: "By any stretch of the imagination Rockall represents the very best of British hospitality — from now on we can look forward to welcoming immigrants to our shores safe in the knowledge that their passports have been thoroughly examined, that they are not prone to any unnecessary foreignness of any sort...and that their their succulent lily-white necks — or indeed necks of any other hue - are exposed, taut and...ah...ready."

Once safely back in Westminster, Mr Howard announced his audacious plan for Rockall whilst simultaneously taunting Toby Blair during Prime Minister's Preening Time in the House of Commons, reports The Pink Pantherer.

In response to the Prime Minister's challenge "Well exactly what would you bunch of useless losers do about Crime, Immigration and Asylum seeking then?" Vlad the Impaler waxed lyrical over his new all-encompassing Tory Policy™. Hanging upside down from the roof-beams in the House of Commons, Vlad replied: "Well, my honourable jug-head. Like all right-minded Britains we believe that drug-dealers, asylum seekers, short-lifters, blaggers, nonces and train-jumping spongers from Eastern Europe should be instantly transported to an offshore location and buried head-first in guano whilst puffins tattoo the Nine Commandments [The Authorised Tory Bible omits "Thou shalt not commit adultery" — Ed] on their buttocks."

Local resident Fred Horny-Dubloh was most vocal yesterday after hearing the news. "We will fight him on the beaches and on the landing grounds and in the fields and so forth," he thundered while arming himself with a pitchfork and flaming torch.

Neighbour Mrs Doris Dropsem-Phorenywon agreed. "He seemed so nice on Desert island Discs but I think all that sunshine must have affected him," she told us in her quavering voice. "Rockall's far too nice a place to put prisoners. He should send them to repopulate Banda Aceh."

Mr Howard was unavailable to comment but his office told us that he is currently negotiating with Australian leaders to explore the idea of the UK resuming its export of crims to the Lucky Country.

Rockall Community Leader Sir Rudolf Fiend summed up everybody's real fears in a phone call to this publication last night: "Of course, the most worrying thing about Mr Howard's outrageous suggestions is that they are now likely to resurface as Labour Policy just before the next election."

Previously

• Rockall — It's all going to kick off
• Why the bloody hell is Rockall called Rockall?
• Rockall Diary: The loneliness of the long-distance islet

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