Dubya wows Congress with State of Nation blinder

Grinning like the proverbial two-dicked dog, President Bush last week unveiled his plans for the USA in the traditional State of the Nation address. Lauded with mass whooping from every politician present who had not curled himself into foetal position, Dubya's historic speech can be summarised as follows:

• Freedom is a good thing. Terror is a bad thing. Some folks seem to have forgotten these simple facts. Not me though. No sir.
• Opponents of freedom will be gently persuaded to embrace freedom and abandon terror. The advocates of terror include Iran, Pakistan, North Korea, France and Jimmy Arbuckle from my old high school. Failure to renounce terror will result in an almighty whuppin' from the proud forces of freedom. Apart from you Arbuckle, who will git it anyways. Think you can flush anyone's head down the toilet with a bayonet up your goddam ass, Jimmy?
• Pensions cost us a lotta money. Why should we have to shell out in social security when some folks are too poor to give anything back? From July 2005, personal pension fund contributions are mandatory, payable into the safe hands at PensionCo. As CEO of PensionCo, my good friend Dick C will make sure you all get it back when the time is right. My message to you is this: Get busy savin' or get busy dyin' before you're 60.
• Breaker One, Breaker One, we're getting' some interference here. Over. Copy you good buddy, switchin' to backup channel. Over.
• Compensation claims about 'asbestos' this and 'asbestos' that are made by wimps, and will be treated as treason. My daddy's fishin' lodge was made entirely of asbestos and it never harmed us none.
• Our new program to help inner city youth: Gangs Are Square, Helping People Is Neat, will be headed by my wife Laura. Thanks, honey.
• Something must be done about the Israeli-Palestinan hoo-ha. To that end, we're sending Barney the Dinosaur to the West Bank to meet with my good buddy Prime Minister Sharon and President Abbas. His specially commissioned song "Why can't we all get along?" will smooth over any lingering resentment. Now why didn't anyone else think of this before?
• In summary, President Roosevelt said something about history once. I'm saying pretty much the same thing, but it applies differently nowadays. That's history for ya. God Bless America.

Related resources

Bush's historic address will next week be made available on limited-edition DVD for $99.99 ($9.99 to parents of US soldiers killed in Iraq upon production of three tokens from Stars and Stripes), in Large Print for Republicans who missed the whole thing because they were a-whoopin' and a-clappin' throughout and in Very Very Large Print with crayon drawings by Dubya himself for those voters who still think that I-ran is an island in the Caribbean run by a bearded, cigar-toking Commie faggot bankrolled by the Soviet Union.

Previously

• Bush struggles to satisfy UN elocution inspectors
• Dubya addresses the American people
• The race is on for US Presidential Election 2008™