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Bush gets policy boost from Punxsutawney Phil

President Bush delivered his State of the Union address last week at the traditional ceremony at Gobbler’s Knob in Pennsylvania. Dressed in top hat and tails he began the proceedings in time honoured fashion by stooping to pick up Punxsutawney Phil, the elderly groundhog who advises him on domestic and foreign affairs.

The event has attracted comment over the years, particularly from overseas observers who express surprise on learning that the leader of world’s most powerful country makes important national policy decisions based on the opinions of a rodent. Some cynics even suggest that the whole exercise is just a charade and that the real decisions are actually made by the President himself and a small "inner circle" of friends who exploit the animal’s fame and integrity to introduce unpopular initiatives.

However, most Americans remain fiercely defensive of the tradition and remind critics that Phil correctly warned Roosevelt about Japan, Kennedy about Cuba and in 1995 made a prophetic forecast to Bill Clinton about an intern called Monica with an attractive mouth. Nonetheless, the first serious questions over his ability to do the job arose in 2001 after he failed to predict the events of 9/11. In a subtitled television interview shown this week, Phil tearfully admitted to Larry King: "I submitted my resignation to President Bush twice on that fateful day: once when the first plane hit... and again when the second plane... well you get the picture. Anyway, the President said: ‘Don’t worry little buddy, we all make mistakes. Except me. And little Donny Rumsfeld.'"

Despite the calls for him to go, the Seer of Seers survived the day with his career intact and has since become one of key players in the War On Terror™. Last year, the facility at Gobbler’s Knob underwent a significant refurbishment and now houses GNAW-AD — an underground emergency command bunker complete with blast-proof doors, secure links to the White House and two years' supply of seed. Such favoured treatment has created him powerful rivals, particularly in the Pentagon where officials are lobbying for greater use of human intelligence. Happily, all such divisions were forgotten at this year’s ceremony as President Bush held the little creature up to his ear and proceeded to translate his predictions to the assembled crowd:

It’s time for me to prognosticate, free from fault and error,
I cannot see an end today, to this global war on terror,
So be sure to lock up anyone who carries the Koran,
And cancel any holiday plans to Syria or Iran.

Previously

• Lesbians give Bush a good licking
• Brother Jeb's unshakeable faith sweeps Bush to victory
• George Dubya Bush is stupid

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