Iraq elections: Who gives a toss?

Public resolutely indifferent to the unfolding drama

by our man on the street

Last week's historic elections in Iraq — which saw democracy-starved citizens of that sun-kissed paradise astride the Tigris falling over themselves and the remains of suicide-bombing insurgents to cast their votes — has shockingly failed to move to tears some people who, despite clear media guidance in the matter, remain resolutely indifferent to the unfolding drama.

John Simpson: Pork pie emergency Indeed, pundits estimate that a staggering 3.2 billion television hours were dedicated to the poll, most of them occupied by the BBC's John Simpson as he heroically ponitificated his way across the war-ravaged landscape of Iraq. In addition, newspapers printed almost 43 billion column inches of breathless coverage — equivalent to 760 million double-decker buses arranged bumper-to-bumper, or 11 billion John Simpson expense claims laid end-to-end.

Nonetheless, some ordinary people have confessed to a certain ennui in response to the Greatest Event in the Advancement of Western Democracy™ since the fall of the Berlin Wall had the world's population glued to the TV for a month. One Basingstoke man took a moment from attempting to jump-start his rather tired Vauxhall Cavalier to tell The Rockall Times: "I've had it up to here with the bloody Iraqis, to be honest. The weather's crap, the car won't bloody start, my mortgage payments are crippling me, the wife owes £1.2m on credit cards and buy-now-pay-2008 sofa credit deals, and the central heating boiler's playing up — again. I mean, don't get me wrong. I think it's a historic moment for Iraqi Shi'ites and as for the Kurds, well, I reckon they deserve a break. You've gotta feel for the Sunnis, too, although I think that the road to peace lies in their participation in the governmental process, rather than violence. It's fair to say that the short-term prospects are not hopeful, although we can all pray that all sides can reach a mutually-acceptable compromise. Having said that, I got an gas bill for five hundred quid this morning, so fuc*k the lot of 'em."

This latter sentiment was shared by those struggling this morning through the winter gloom to reach their places of work. "I'm very sorry for the octagenarian widow with no legs and diabetes who queued for seventeen hours in Fallujah just for the chance to vote once in her miserable life before popping her clogs," admitted a man in a suit on the 6.48am to Victoria, speaking from the cattle-class luggage rack which he daily shares with 200 other City workers. "But I've been on this train for 72 hours. I'm actually on my way to work last Friday at the moment, so I'll have to put in a nine-day week just to make up the time. Don't misunderstand me, John Simpson's front-line report on the limbless Shi'ite torso who dragged himself 20 miles with his tongue to cast his ballot fair had me choking on my cocoa. At the same time, I have spent so long on this train during the last six months that my wife has decided to seek sexual gratification at the hands of her Feng Shui consultant. Accordingly, I have decided not to dedicate as much time to the Iraq question as it doubtless merits."

In Iraq itself, meanwhile, John Simpson last night pledged to continue to fight for the fledgling democracy "whether the viewers like it or not". However, his campaign to deliver "16 hours of quality analysis per day of the unfolding drama in Iraq" to every home in the UK for the next six months suffered a serious setback last week when rocket-launching ragheads downed an RAF Hercules packed with emergency supplies of pork pies and expenses claim forms. A BBC spokeslackey admitted: "If we don't get some proper nosh out to John by the weekend he could be down to one five-minute PTC [piece to camera] a day by next Monday. Our biggest concern is that unless the US attacks Iran by Wednesday, we'll have nothing to fill the relentless patronising news void. The effect on our analysis-hungry viewers could be catastrophic."

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Iraq elections: Who gives a toss?

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