Labour slammed for 'dirty tricks' dossier

Extreme and unprecedented plans considered by the Labour Party to smear their opponents during the forthcoming General Election campaign have been uncovered following the discovery of a sheaf of top secret documents marked "Top Secret" in a waste bin close to their headquarters left next to a discarded packet of Sainsbury's sun-dried tomatoes and an empty bottle of Ernst & Gallo 2004 shiraz.

The papers show a series of allegations clearly intended to damage the Conservative Party beyond repair in the eyes of the public and were apparently not used only because of the sheer implausibility of the accusations. Some of the more shocking charges listed in the documents, and blatantly intended to be mislead voters into choosing Labour, are understood to have been:

• That Michael Howard really is the leader of the Conservative Party as of now
• That Michael Howard is still likely to be the leader of the Conservative Party at the time of the next election
• That Michael Howard actually believes he's going to be the next Prime Minister

Public reaction to the ostensible hubris has been pretty much unanimous. "No-one would vote for the Tories if they thought any of this stuff was true would they?" stated one startled man outside a polling company's offices in London hurriedly stubbing out a large sweet-smelling ciggy. "That Michael Howard, isn't he the guy who sells pigs that fly or something? I saw an ad about it just last week. It make me sick and I'm not even a Muslim."

Although no one from the Labour Party would speak on the record, The Rockall Times understands that the person responsible will certainly be called into the office and officially rebuked before being taken down to the nearest branch of Asda and told to order all he or she wants (not including alcohol).

Previously

• Elections to be scrapped as 'too competitive'
• Government attempts to combat voter apathy
• NuLabourmp3 trumpets 1000th download