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New Labour bewildered at anti-Semitic rumpus

Bewildered Labour Party officials have reacted with incredulity to the latest claims that its hilarious recent anti-Michael Howard campaign is in fact anti-Semitic. At a hastily-called press conference yesterday, a Downing Street rapid-response PR team launched a robust defence. “This is absolutely ridiculous," exploded Labour’s Minorities election strategist Abu Hamza. "The material in question has been thoroughly researched over many years by experts in many countries and contains only factual material that cannot possibly cause offence to any reasonable-minded person. If anyone is saying that it is anti-Jewish then I think that says rather more about them than it does about us in the Labour Party”. A minion later passed out neatly bound copies of the offending leaflet — The Protocols of the Elders of Zion — to journalists, complete with New Labour logo and an introduction by Tony Blair. Asked if an apology might be in order, the spokeslackey said: "Yeah, and pigs might fly."

It was sensationally revealed last week that Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott does not have Tourette's Syndrome. Inspired by the British public's favourable response to ex-cabinet colleague Chris Smith's recent HIV admission, John Prescott felt it was also time for him to come clean. In a statement released yesterday, Mr Prescott said "No, I don't fuc*king have Tourette's you wan*kers. Now fuc*k off!". Politicians were shocked by the surprise announcement, and one Labour colleague privately commented: "I really feel that we have all misjudged John. All these years we thought he had Tourette's Syndrome and instead all the time he was genuinely rude and ignorant. Our thoughts are with his family at this difficult time." Many political pundits are now wondering whether Mr. Prescott's statement will spur Norman Tebbit and Bernard Manning into making similar admissions. Rumours are also circulating that Conservative MP Ann Widdecombe will shortly reveal that she is really a transsexual bricklayer from Dagenham.

In related news, Robert Kilroy-Silk last week launched a new political party called "Veritas", cleverly named after the Latin word for "truth". The MEP, former TV presenter, Arab scholar and short-term supporter of the UKIP promised “straight-talking” by “real people”. Asked if he had taken inspiration for the name from the phrase "in vino veritas", Kilroy-Silk got straight down to some straight taking while swigging from a bottle of gin: "Yeah, you bunch of tossers. I never liked you anyway, so why don't you all go fuc*k yourselves, eh?" he slurred before breaking down in tears and embracing our political correspondent with a lachrimose: "I love you, man, you're my best mate you are".

Last week's UN report into human rights abuses in the Darfur region of Sudan has at last provoked action from the war-torn country's government, we are delighted to report. Interior Minister Abdel Rahim Hussein confirmed last week that intense international pressure — including a terse note from UN supremo Kofi Annan threatening the regime with "an angry follow-up phonecall" unless it immediately curtailed its policy of genocide against civilians — means that as of right now the Sudanese air force will cease bombing missions over Darfur. "Fair enough," sighed a visibly-harrassed Hussein before wandering off to rape a sixteen-year-old girl and throw her infant sister down a well. The UN, meanwhile, has hailed the announcement as a "significant milestone" in restoring peace in Sudan, and has pledged to hold a crisis lunch into the ongoing civil war "as soon as Kofi has sorted out this Iraq oil for food mess. Call us back in a year or so for an update," the spokesman concluded.

The positive news from Sudan immediately provoked a three per cent rise in the world wholesale price of tents, our market analysts confirm. "We expect tent imports into Darfur to recover sharply over the next quarter," said one relieved London tent dealer. "We've had a few logistical problems, not least of which was when our main agent in Khartoum was bayonetted to death by government troops," he added. The tent futures market likewise recovered by 2.3 per cent this morning — a trend which looks certain to continue during the day's trading.

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