Pope dead/alive* shocker

We at The Rockall Times have been closely following the unfolding drama which last week saw his Catholic Mightiness Pope JP Two in intensive care for the 473rd time — allegedly due to “acute breathing problems”. However, despite this perfectly reasonable explanation for JP's failing health, the conspiracy-driven rumour mill has been abuzz over the weekend with speculation that there might be another, more sinister, reason behind the Pope's current horizontal status.

Some of these can be easily dismissed a pure fantasy, including the sensational revelation that roving rock pundit Bono bodged an attempt to "rub out" the Da Holy Fadda in order to secure the position for himself, thereby attaining a status from which he could pontificate on all the world's ills without fear of criticism or rebuke.

Nevertheless, our Papal Affairs team has identified two further possible explanations for Il Papa's current bed rest. Catholic readers are warned that the following may cause symptoms ranging from re-evaluation of faith to immediate conversion to Islam:

An anonymous Vatican official last night risked upsetting the entire Christian bandwagon when he openly revealed, in a secret tape recording, that the Pope's admission to hospital was provoked by an revelation so shocking that it would, if revealed, shake the Catholic Church to the very vowels and consonants of the Latin mass on which it rest, reports David Davis.

The boiled Pontiff — whose bizarre appearance, disturbing voice and vast mysterious compound have attracted much speculation throughout his career — was said to have been relaxing in an upright position, as is normal for a Tuesday, when he was suddenly struck with an irreconcilable pair of premises. It had never crossed his mind before that one of the following MUST be true: either a) Jesus never existed, or b) Jesus did exist and had the occasional priapic incident. Unable to compromise his entrenched core value system the Pope suffered a localised breakdown leaving Vatican officials to stare in gobsmacked amazement as he repeatedly whispered: “It’s like a snake eating its own tail.”

Forced into concocting a hospital cover story, the officials are privately very concerned about the 84-year-old human man and fear he may never regain his faith: “He’s now able to talk about it a bit," muttered our source through the grille of a guilt cube. “Y’know, he says he just can’t have a picture of Jesus in his head with a huge boner, but then He wouldn’t have been a real-life man if He didn’t get one from time to time. I mean, think of the damage it would do to our little operation if it got around that JC enjoyed the occasional stiffie. This has to stay quiet,” he added, menacingly slapping a ceremonial crook into the palm of his hand.

When asked why the extraordinary revelation had had no effect on him, the Vatican source we spoke to became animated: “Ha! No one here believes any of that Christianity stuff, it’s mental! No man, we're just here for the free wine and fab clothes. The Pope is the only one who believes it all. He doesn’t know what the fuc*k’s goin’ on! It’s a wicked job, man!”

The source did, however, expect the Pope to pull through this latest crisis as he has done on so many previous occasions. In 1983, JP suffered a bout of vitiligo, exacerbated in 1984 when his hair caught fire whilst filming a Pepsi commercial.

Meanwhile, thousands of adoring fans lined the streets of the Vatican early yesterday to hear the cheering announcement that his Holy Pontificance, Pope John Paul Ringo, has yet again cheated life and will continue to preside over all things religious — despite having died at a late-night cards table in 1984, reports the Papal Peeper.

As the laughing dancing groovers tripped happily home, safe in the knowledge that the Cuddly Corpse was still completely dead, there was little for them to suspect that the following morning the lid would be lifted upon one of the greatest scandals of all time.

Until now the official Vatican line has been that due to the wonders of "Intelligent Medicine" the withered pile of bones has still not achieved true After-Life status and remains permanently, immovably, irretrievably DEAD. Until Now.

For following an undercover operation, during which your very own Rockall Times Poprical correspondent penetrated into the very jewel-encrusted heart of the Vatican, this newspaper can exclusively reveal The Truth: His RolyPolyHoliness is in fact ALIVE! This startling revelation occurred a week last Tuesday when this correspondent slipped unnoticed into the Papal Presence by concealing himself under the flowing robes of hardline Primate Of All Rockall, Bishop "Shi*t Strafer" d'Cormorant, during an official grape-delivery visit. It was while d'Cormorant gently forced a peeled grape between the Pope's quivering lips that several witnesses spotted definite evidence of twitching in the Papal "Davros" arm, and the distinctly crusty tell-tale signs of very recent "Ready Brek Cassock".

One unnamed animatronics expert was quick to dismiss the news: "This has to be a wind-up — or at least a battery-powered one. There's no way a genuine living person could realistically hold such extreme views on gay abortion or AIDS-related marriage. Nope. He's dead alright".

As the debate continues, we at The Rockall Times stand firmly by our story. And whilst very few within inner-Vatican circles could doubt that The Holy Dad has little or no idea as to who, what , why or where he is (or was), we still say: Long Live da Holy Fadda!

Breaking news

An unnamed Cardinal was arrested this morning after being found to have tampered with the actual original Bible which is kept in the catacombs of the miniature country. Using teabags to colour the paper, and the oven to make it a bit crinkly, he had inserted passages describing Jesus telling early-morning lepers to “come back in about fifteen minutes” and had renamed the bizarre bestseller the “Bumper Book of Stories”.

Previously

• Supreme Pontiff flops at Reading
• Gay marriages? No chance says Vatican spokescardinal
• Pope threatens American cardinal 'bitches'