US will not attack rogue nuclear state: Official

The US will not attack the rogue state which stands accused of developing it own nuclear deterrent, US Secretary of State Condoleeezzza Rice last week pledged during her whistlestop tour of Europe. Instead, it will seek a "diplomatic solution" to the mounting crisis which has seen US prez Bush roundly condemn the country's government for "fomenting international terrorism", "human rights abuses" and "failing to issue fast-food franchises to US operators in accordance with current trade agreements".

Ms Rice made the welcome announcement as she stood shoulder-to-shoulder with her good buddy Tony Blair at a press conference in London. After a brief, embarrassing scramble by officials to find extra vowels and zeds with which to correctly spell Ms Rice's first name on the magnetic "Britain welcomes Condoleza Rice" board, the newly-appointed Bush spokeswoman got straight down to assuring nervous world leaders that America had no intention whatsoever of using the big stick against Israel, despite its continuing contempt for international law.

"Hey, like, no way are we gonna go marching into Tel Aviv, guns blazing," quipped Rice. "Sure, it's a worry that they may have deleloped a nuclear weapons programme which could destablilise the whole region, but I reckon the way forward is round the negotiating table. I mean sitting at the negotiating table, rather than walking round it. That would be stupid. No-one can have a proper discussion about nuclear weapons while walking round and round the negotiating table."

Pressed as to how she thought any negotiations might go, Rice confided: "Well, like, we turn up and we say 'Listen, you just gotta lay off the nukes and the bulldozing Palestinian real estate and the shooting kids and stuff' and then Ariel Sharon replies 'Yeah, and what the fuc*k are you going to do about it, eh?' and then we move forward from there."

Suitably calmed by Rice's assurances, the assembled hack pack then pressed her as to how she was enjoying her European jaunt. "Wow, yeah, great," she enthused: "I can't wait to try your British squirrel pie. You guys all eat squirrel pie, right? Yeah, great," she concluded, before quickly boarding a plane while shouting: "Get me to a McDonalds! Now, goddammit!"

Previously

• Rogue nuclear states? Don’t worry — it’s not the end of the world
• Powell in West Bank ultimatum
• Our guide to terror-free holiday destinations