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Rockall to honour Camilla Parker Bowles-Saxe-Coburg

Rockall will celebrate the forthcoming joyous union of Prince Chaz of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles-Saxe-Coburg by bestowing its ultimate honour on England's Rose II: the title of "Duchess of Rockall". The announcement was made yesterday by the Rockall College of Arms and analysts believe it will neatly sidestep the thorny issue of Camilla adopting the title previously held by Saint Diana al-Fayed — that of "Queen of Hearts".

One expert in divorce and matters constitutional told The Rockall Times: "Camilla is delighted. She does not wish to be seen as trying to replace Diana in the nation's affections. She knows, furthermore, that this is impossible, since she has little interest in having sex with Arabs and throwing herself down flights of stairs. In any case, let's face it, her chances of pulling an England rugby captain are virtually zero. I mean, would you give it a jump, eh?"

The title comes with a veritable escutcheon of associated honours acknowledging Rockall's many client states: Her Elfin Björkness of Reykjavik; Hand-made Sweater of all the Faroes; and Grand Crack Celidh of Eire. As Duchess of Rockall, Camilla will receive around £100m a year from the civil list with which she can enjoy the privileges granted by the title. These include: establishing traditional model villages on Rockall; vociferously promoting organic farming on the islet; and hunting on horseback any animal caught within Rockall's territorial boundaries, including guillemots and herring.

Staunchly royal Rockall has in the meantime been preparing to celebrate the marriage on 6 April. One emotional secretary currently doing light fundraising work for the islet's Lady Diana Memorial Reef admitted that she would shortly quit her job to travel to Windsor in anticipation of the event. "I know it's a three-month wait outside the gates, but it's worth every minute just to catch a glimpse of her," sobbed the visibly-moved 19-year-old. "I mean, she's touched the hearts of millions, hasn't she?" This sentiment was endorsed by a young man in Rockall's liveliest hostelry — the Fighting Dog and Pikey — who told our correspondent: "I'm, like, totally made up about the whole thing. This is the best thing that has happened to this country since Chaz got hitched last time around. I expect the whole nation to present themselves before a TV set on the day, and me and me mates will be driving around in the XR3i to make sure no-one misses Elton John's performance. Anyone found up a ladder fixing the guttering during his tear-jerking rendition of Hello, again, England's Rose is going to get a right fuc*king pasting, I can tell you."

Despite the groundswell of support for Mrs Parker Bowles, there remain some who will not spend 6 April sobbing with joy at breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of the event. A spokesman for the Royal Institute of British Architects told The Rockall Times: "Jesus H Christ. We've had to put up with years of Chazzer whining about modern architecture, and now there are going to be two of them turning up on site and gobbing off about monstrous carbuncles. It was ok when he got hitched to Di — the only time she showed any interest in the construction business was when Norman Foster admitted his admiration for the Petronas Towers, at that time the 'world's biggest erection' as Norm rather unfortunately put it. She was out of that lunch and on a plane to Kuala Lumpur before you could say 'Jamie Hewitt', I can tell you."

There are also unconfirmed reports that Phil the Greek is not at all happy at the prospect of his new daughter-in-law. He is alleged to have told his old navy chums during a recent lively reunion aboard HMS Saint Diana: "For fuc*k's sake, the filly's got a face like a fuc*king horse's arse and her box must be bigger than a Hamburg docks whore's torpedo tube. I'd rather the silly bugger married some some slitty-eyed tart, to be honest. At least there's be some chance of the boy's Exocet touching the sides when it's time to take a depth sounding."

Despite these small and obstinate groups of republicans hostile to the forthcoming nuptials, we are proud to reveal that preparations are well under way on the Sacred Rocky Outcrop in preparation for the royal couple's honeymoon, writes our man in the royal boudoir, Roger Sutcliffe.

His Royal Thighness, a tall handsome young man with a gargantuan — if bizarre — sexual appetite, will arrive on the evening of the 8 April astride his grey mare, "Mrs Parker", fresh and steaming from the 3.30 at Chepstow.

Readers will remember that at previous royal shagfests, only the longest lenses have been allowed to penetrate the plush inner sanctum. But, with royal ratings on the skids, The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that on this occasion the post-nuptial rumpy-pumpy is to take place in the full glare of the islet's voracious media. Palace sorcerers are said to be attempting to arrest declining interest in the UK's biggest feudal anachronism by opening a TV Rights bidding war, and are reported to be ordering substantial supplies of essential equipment to be air-lifted to the rocky outcrop in the days before the wedding. One such daring helicopter-drop will include several 12 volt battery rechargers, undisclosed "leisure goods", and numerous industrial-sized containers of an unknown fluid, labelled "for external use only".

Due to the demands of TV advertising, and with a particular eye on the lucrative US market, the gorgeous young couple will have to jump to it if they are to meet the stringent deadlines laid down by the TV Execs. No foreplay will be allowed, and as this will be the first time that the Royal Orgasm is officially recorded, special measures are to be taken to ensure that nothing is left to chance. No royal rock will be left unturned as the horny toffs prepare to get their rocks off, whilst carefully positioned time-lapse, infra-red and high-speed cameras will zoom and focus to capture the Royal Shudder in all its gory glory. Satellite and broadband providers are understood to be queuing up to carry the squishy moment live to tens of millions of drooling sycophants around the globe.

Previously

• Man with six O-Levels makes bid for monarchy
• Prince Charles tells us of his fears for the future of mankind
• Couple get married

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