Sinn Fein fingered in IKEA riot bloodbath

Top British police and intelligence officers have confirmed the likely involvement of Sinn Fein in last week's IKEA superstore bloodbath which resulted in one bargain-hungry shopper dead and hundreds injured, we can exclusively report.

IKEA's Edmonton store is today eerily quite after a night of violence unprecedented in the bargain furnishings retail sector. Trouble erupted after staff barred the doors to thousands of people desperate to avail themselves of an emergency airlift of low-voltage decorative light fittings and futon sofabeds. Reports suggest that management had seriously underestimated the local demand for cheap and functional Swedish design statements, and in the ensuing stampede panic-stricken mothers and screaming infants were trampled underfoot by gangs of aspirational working-class people armed with credit cards and, in some cases, cash.

One sobbing eyewitness told The Rockall Times: "I had queued for thirteen hours after hearing that IKEA had slashed the price of a 'Cuunt' beech-effect shelving unit by 50 per cent. The doors opened at midnight and as I ran towards the foil-laminated furniture section I was suddenly knocked down from behind by a woman using her small baby as a battering ram in an attempt to break through to the split-cane blind display."

Our witness took a moment to compose herself before continuing: "The next thing I know I've got a police dog's teeth clamped to my buttocks and there's teargas everywhere and riot coppers are firing plastic rounds against a hard core of rioters sheltering behind a barricade of dismantled particleboard bedside tables."

As the authorities struggled to contain the violence within the store, thousands of disgruntled punters outside vented their fury on each other and innocent passers-by. The pitched battle — which at one stage threatened to leave whole swathes of North London resembling Banda Aceh — was brought under control only by the intervention of London Mayor Ken Livingstone, who stepped forward and struck down the ringleader with his sword.

In Belfast, meanwhile, security sources claimed last night that senior Sinn Fein officials had greenlighted the attack on the superstore, intended to secure stockpiles of kit suitable for a makeover of the Republican cause. "Safe houses don't furnish themselves, you know. We have solid evidence of IRA involvement in this outrage, and it is inconceivable that the Provos acted without the nod from Gerry Adams," said one official. Asked where this leaves the Northern Ireland peace process, he confirmed: "Until the IRA agrees to decommission all of its weapons and returns the 200 pine folding chair and coffee table sets missing from the Edmonton IKEA, there is no Northern Ireland Peace Process."

We rang Sinn Fein's head office for Mr Adam's response to the charges but were told: "Sorry, can you call back later? He's been trying to assemble a flat-pack wardrobe for the last two hours and if he doesn't find 'flange 3B' in the next 10 minutes I reckon someone's going to get kneecapped."

Previously

• Fox hunt ban protestors beaten like dogs
• IRA crime claims derail peace process
• London Mayor attacks pregnant woman with chainsaw