Monday 14th February 2005
Iraqi election saga degenerates into anarchy
Jebby Bushi claims victory in sun-kissed paradise
by Bob Wallet
As the final votes were being counted in Iraq last week there was growing concern that a predictions of a Shia landslide had been wildly misguided. Instead talk was of George Dubya Bush's mysterious little brother and Governor of Florida Jeb Bush having a hand in the eagerly-awaited result. A mysterious minority party known as Sunni al-Fresco, headed by a shadowy figure known only as Jebby Bushi, was claiming victory. The new US Secretary of State Condoleeezzza Rice, fresh from her first visit to Europe since taking office, rubbished questions about bogus election results in the troubled, war-torn Middle East republic.
When asked by ITN's Nick "Sexiest Man on Television" Robinson if the rumours were true about the Bush dynasty's latest election success the smoky-voiced Secretary of State replied: "Kiss my African-American ass, you limey slaphead," before quickly adding: "The rumours about Jeb Bush are scurrilous, unfounded, and quite frankly ridiculous. This whole nonsensical situation has been engineered by al-Qaeda and representatives of Abu Musad al-Zarqawi."
Meanwhile, back in Iraq, the cafes and town squares were alive with suggestion. One tobacconist in Basra told The Rockall Times: "His name is everywhere. Jebby Bushi. On the bloody walls, Jebby Bushi, in the bloody newspapers, Jebby Bushi, on the bloody radio, Jebby Bushi. And now he win. We have a Bushi in our government." When asked what he was going to do he replied: "Buy a bloody plane ticket to England."
US forces based in the seaside resort of Fallujah, once the home of television celebrity Tom O'Connor, held a press conference late on Sunday night to clarify the state of affairs. Unleaded four star general Marion Bronkitis told a packed aircraft hangar of international journalists: "Aint no-one from Florida in the whole of Eyerack. Last I heard Jeb Bush was sittin' on his tractor in Key West listenin to Amy Lou Harris. He is definitely not in Eyerack."
Television coverage in the US appeared to back up Bronkitis's statement with grainy images of a youthful looking Jeb Bush driving a Massey Ferguson down the 14th fairway of Key West Skull and Bones golf course. However, critics were quick to point out that a golf cart alongside the tractor was being driven by Sammy Davis Junior who has been dead for fifteen years. "That was not Sammy Davis Junior," said a clearly flustered Condoleeezzza Rice when asked about the video discrepancy.
The furore over the Jeb Bush victory cast a cloud over Condoleeza Rice's first visit to Europe in which she was hoping to concentrate on relations between Palestine and Israel. It has also cast doubts about the coalition's intention to democratise the Middle East. The Rockall Times canvassed opinion across the whole of Iraq (except the notorious insurgency stronghold known as the Dairy Lee Triangle, which was too dangerous). Perhaps the most pertinent answer came from a taxi driver in the northern city of Mosul. "If this carries on who will it be next? Bush's cousin Hank in Syria, his nephew Waylon running Jordan, we'll have the whole bloody lot running everywhere."