Michael Howard in illegal immigrant grandfather shocker

Michael Howard's shock revelation that his grandfather may have entered the UK illegally after legging it from Romania has provoked much press speculation as to how Bernard Hecht evaded Britain's tough 1930s immigration controls. Sensationally, we at The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that Hecht was smuggled into the country at Whitby harbour hidden in a box of Romanian soil after a particularly arduous sea voyage during which everyone else aboard the ship mysteriously perished. At this point the trail goes cold, but there are rumours that Hecht applied for British citizenship having tricked local beauty Lucy Westenra into marriage purely for the purpose of obtaining a British passport. Westenra is said to have died as a result of a blood disorder shortly after the nuptials.

The UK's rail industry is considering the deployment of GPS technology to improve services. The plan includes tracking trains using satellites — something which will "greatly enhance our ability to deliver real-time cutomer service information", as one highly-pleased spokeslackey put it. To demonstrate the experimental system, he was then able to confirm that the 8.34am from Bung'em Junction was then "at 51°30' N, 0° 10' W — exactly where it was when it broke down yesterday afternoon".

Figures released last week show that the UK spends more than any other nation on heart disease. The news has been greeted with relief by fat, beer-swilling smokers across the UK — all of whom confirm that they have invested huge sums in developing their advanced state of cardiovascular atrophy. "Thank God for that," wheezed one very large man gasping for breath after ascending a small flight of stairs while drinking a pint of Olde Wifebeater ale, pulling on a cigarette and simultaneously attempting to unwrap a huge pork pie. "It's cost me a fortune to get meself into this state. I'd be gutted if I found out that the bloody Krauts had exceeded Britain's per capita booze and fag spend."

The Churchill museum in London has displayed for the first time a school report on the wartime leader — describing the young Winnie as "very naughty" and someone who "cannot be trusted to behave". The report continues: "His dislike of Germans and penchant for setting fire to wooden medieval cities is a potentially destructive combination."

The shock resignation of Hewlett-Packard supremo Carly Fiorina hit the corporate hairdressing market hard over the weekend, our IT business analyst confirms. Big Business Hair stock plunged 37 per cent at the news, wiping more than $8bn off the value of shares in parent company Power Dressing Inc. Glass ceilings, meanwhile, dropped around 27ft across the US female executive sector.