Good, solid advice from the Rockall Times

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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2005/02/21/chas-n-dave.html.

Chas 'n' Dave to wed

Gawd bless yer, guvnors

by our pearly court correspondent How Tenji

"I’ve got my beer in the sideboard here," quipped a smiling Dave showing off the ring so recently purchased from the Mile End branch of Argos as the nation's favourite couple last week confirmed they would at last tie the knot.

Chas 'n' Dave: Joy "Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. Why don’t you give it a rest?" laughed a beaming Chas as he stared lovingly into his long-term partner's eyes.

The engagement of Britain's beloved pearly royals brought to an end years of speculation as to when, and if, they would get hitched. Indeed, Cockney authorities had predicted a constitutional crisis should Chas marry Dave.

"You see," said Dick Van Dyke, cockney pavement artist and sometime chimney sweep, "it's a love affair the authorities hoped would just go away. Me old china lawks a-mercy luv a duck."

But thirty years on the couple have finally decided to tie the knot. Chas will be crowned Pearly King when his mother decides to relinquish the family eel, pie and mash business. Dave will not be formally known as Pearly Queen but will be allowed to serve ladle out the nutritious liquor which is the trademark of the Chas eel and pie dynasty.

Public sentiment was generally in favour of the match. Opinion was summed up by one pensioner who said: "Oooh they'll make a lovely couple. I'm just so sad that the Pearly Queen Mum won't be around to share the joyful moment. I'm 84, you know. I can remember them Doodlebugs like it was just yesterday. Mr Cohen the baker lost his entire stock of hot cross buns when one of them hit his shop in Old Pizzle Alley. We were still scraping burnt buns off the roof in 1948, I can tell you…"

The Chas 'n' Dave nuptials will take place on 6 April in Limehouse registry office with a traditional knees-up in the Nag's Head to follow. All at The Rockall Times would like to join with all the couple’s pearly subjects in saying we plan to rent something from Blockbuster that night because there will be bugger all worth watching on the telly.

Previously

From The Rockall Times Monday 21st February 2005 http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.