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  Monday 21st February 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Jacko may sign Kyoto Accord

Climate of fear in Neverland
by Roger Sutcliffe

The President of the United States of Neverland was rushed to hospital yesterday amid growing concerns that acid rain was causing his face to disintegrate — again. A Neverland spokesboy told The Rockall Times that the President was "very, very ill" after getting caught in a mildly sulphuric shower on Tuesday evening.

This is the fourth time in recent years that the President has had to undergo reconstructive face-paint application — a complex operation involving full-body immersion in Duplux WeatherVain® "Hint of Alabaster". Experts agree that each successive application brings its own risks, whilst one unnamed polymer scientist has gone even further, suggesting that the entire substructure is now in grave danger: "Complete collapse of the frontal lobe is inevitable unless we can rein in carbon emissions immediately."

Until now, the Neverland Administration has been reluctant to accept the overwhelming scientific evidence that greenhouse gases are causing gross facial disfigurement, as well as less significant side-effects such as global warming. At a pre-recorded press briefing as recently as last week, the President — whose child-like grasp of international affairs is legendary — was seen clutching his trademark miniature umbrella and was heard to describe the changing weather patterns as being: "Like, pure science fiction".

However, now that facial as well as environmental catastrophe appears to be imminent, it seems likely that face-saving measures will soon be taken. Even the most ardent of the President's fans admit that plans are already underway to instigate Credit Trading — possibly Child Credit Trading — in a bid to stave off international criticism. As an acknowledged child-minding expert, the President is thought to favour the latter as the best way forward, having floated the possibility by openly proffering his own son to the German people on a recent visit.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man