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London Olympic bid 'in the bag'

London's bid to become the venue for the 2012 international festival of performance-enhancing drugs — known to sports fans as the "Olympics" — looks to be in the bag after the IOC inspection team expressed themselves "satisfied" with their fact-finding tour of the city. One inspector told The Rockall Times: "I'd been led to expected that we'd be mugged by a gang of steaming Yardie teenagers on a broken-down tube train between somewhere Stratford and Mile End while standing up to our knees in discarded fast-food packaging and listening to Red Ken Livingstone banging on about 'concentration camp guards'. In the event, we were whisked everywhere in Range Rovers while the Lord Coe Kazoo Orchestra's version of Chariots of Fire schmoozed out of the CD system. I think it's fantastic that the British will provide a chauffeur-driven Range Rover service for the millions of athletes and visitors who will flock to the city in 2012. It's fair to say that the competition will be hard-pressed to beat a steroid-pumped pitch of this quality." Beijing, meanwhile has shown it has what it takes to organise a top-notch Olympiad by publicly executing a low-ranking official who had failed to arrange the hand polishing of all the city's pigeons in preparation for the 2008 games.

Talented all-rounder Victoria Beckham last night dropped her third sprog — a 7lb bouncing baby boy which Posh™ and hubby Becks® have named "Cruz" in honour of Puerto de la Cruz hotel in Tenerife where the infant was conceived while Rebecca Loos cheered the fornicating couple on from inside the wardrobe. Mrs Beckham has admitted that the birth has caused her re-evaluate her career commitments, and she told The Rockall Times she would shortly be giving up motherhood altogether to concentrate on the one thing which truly fulfils her as a celebrity wife — fashion design.

More cheery news comes from millionaire soccer ace Tony Dobbs who admitted yesterday that he has a clean driving licence and takes pride in driving responsibly. Tony, 29, who has never been in an accident, told us yesterday: "A lot of top footballers buy these fancy big cars and like to speed all over the place but I like to take it steady when I'm on the motorway. I rarely drive in the fast lane and only then when I'm in a traffic-jam. Some of my team mates drive flash Ferraris since they can do 70mph in first gear. Crikey, what would I do with the other four gears? I prefer my Vauxhall Nova.

"I like the buzz I get from taking it steady and always leaving sufficient stopping distance between me and the car in front. Only a fool breaks the two second rule,' added a grim-faced Tony, before admitting: "I passed my cycling proficiency test when I was 12 and I've never looked back since. Top footballers often get pigeonholed as playboys — you know — fast cars and fast women. Obviously, I enjoy a lot of casual sex because I'm famous but if I get pissed or blasted on crack cocaine while I'm out clubbing I'll phone for a taxi home rather than risk an unnecessary accident."

Sinn Fein supremo Gerry Adams has denied that he greenlighted the appalling violence which erupted on Saturday during and after Manchester United's FA Cup victory over Everton at Goodison Park. Adams rejected claims that the coin which struck United keeper Ray Carroll came from the £26.5m stolen by someone — possibly the IRA but then again maybe not — in last year's audacious Northern Bank blag in Belfast. A very irate Adams told our newsdesk: "For the last time Sinn Fein did not at any stage authorise the IRA to carry out the raid, and I have no knowledge whatsoever about the perpetrators. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to drop something off at Newforge Country Club. Bye."

Back in Goodison Park, meanwhile, police are investigating claims that former Everton Weeble Wayne Rooney may have sparked post-match clashes between fans by having a go at the match-ball sponsors. Thirty people were arrested after running battles between rival fans. We understand that Rooney did indeed provoke the sponsors by claiming that Sunday's Spanish referendum on the EU constitution was "vital for the development of a strong, secure Europe". Evertonians are legendarily opposed to a more integrated European Union, and the authorities believe Rooney's stance on the matter has made him a hate figure for a small hard core of eurosceptic supporters.

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