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  Monday 21st February 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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US issues human recall notice

Cites shoddy workmanship and poor design
by Greg Porter

In an unprecedented move today, the US Department of Commerce and the European Commission on Product Safety (ECPS) announced a joint recall of the human race. Citing shoddy workmanship, poor design and premature failure of the units, the recall is meant to force the manufacturer, Intelligent Design Inc., to address these complaints.

This action follows a similar, independent lawsuit by New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. When asked to comment on the joint US/EU action, he said "It is clear that this problem extends beyond US borders. All models of humanity have been plagued with numerous problems since the start. While early models were quite durable, with one example lasting 969 years, quality rapidly declined, and in many cases, units do not last for even the vaguely implied warranty of 'three score and ten years' listed in the fine print of the badly translated product manual.

"According to the manufacturer's own records, the factory service center was closed after only two units were put into service, and the numerous and often competing service networks that replaced it have been more of a psychological sop than anything else. It is clear that Intelligent Design must be held to account for this unconscionable lack of concern for the quality of its products."

Interoperability and interchangeability problems are also listed in the recall notice, along with poor warranty service. Records indicate that units returned to the manufacturer have yet to be returned to service, despite vague, flowery promises in the manual about inoperative units being made whole again. In addition, the US Department of Justice is opening an investigation into possible criminal practices on the part of the manufacturer.

These include off-shore labor, punitive actions against company workers who criticize management, failure to pay taxes, and numerous examples of inappropriate behavior by company representatives. A past sexual harrassment charge and paternity suit against the CEO was handled by an unspecified out-of-court settlement and is not part of the current investigation. At this time of this press release, the CEO of Intelligent Design Inc. could not be reached for comment.

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